


Even Diamonds Crack

by Starlight1395



Series: Requests From You [11]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Domino Effect, Eating Disorders, Eventual Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Mild Smut, More Tags to be added as I go, Self destructive actions, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, coping mechanisms both good and bad, every member is working through their own shit basically, various forms of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-02-10 02:45:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18651319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Woojin didn't know why he was so mad all the time. Why there was a weight pressing down on his chest that never seemed to go away. He didn't understand why the others were mad at him for trying to get rid of the weight either - as long as he could sing and dance, why was it so bad that he was destroying himself?He didn't know why he was feeling this way, but in the end he knew he would be the reason Stray Kids fails.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A request from Aryshft!  
> I hope I A) got your username right because my handwriting is atrocious and B) kept with the prompt at least a little because even though I wrote down my original plot based off your suggestion, I went off on a bit of a tangent haha

Chan watched his friend with a frown. He had been heading back to the dorms when he saw light coming from their favorite practice room. The others had gone home hours ago - even Jisung and Changbin, who left after the youngest of the three fell asleep at his computer.

He had been ready to barge in and scold whoever decided to stay late, only to stop when he saw who was in the room.

Woojin was dancing hard, sweat dripping down his face as if he had been caught in a rainstorm. The song looped and Woojin didn’t even hesitate before starting the choreography over again. Chan watched the run through, knowing the other boy wouldn’t be too happy if he stopped him mid song. As soon as the song restarted again, he stepped in and clicked off the music.

“Wooj, time to go home.” Chan said with a tired smile. He expected the dark haired boy to smile back and mayne chuckle a little. Wipe his face with his shirt and drain his bottle and complain about being tired as they walked back to the dorm. Maybe they’d even stop at a convenience store and get something to drink to reward themselves for working so hard even though the others would be jealous in the morning.

What he wasn’t expecting was for Woojin to scoff at him and glare.

“Go home Chan. I’ll be back when I’m done.”

“Woojin, you look like you’re going to pass out,” Chan frowned. “I’m not going to leave you here like this. I get wanting to work a little harder but our health comes first-”

“Sure, when you stay late and overwork and forget to eat it’s fine but when we want to work late it’s suddenly the end of the fucking world.” Woojin stared at his own reflection in the mirror, purposely ignoring the look Chan was giving him through the glass.

“Home. Now.” Chan all but growled. Woojin scowled and grabbed his bag before storming out of the practice room past Chan, who was left to unplug the stereo, turn off the lights and close the door.

Neither spoke on the way home.

Woojin knew he was being unreasonable, but he was just so frustrated. He had hoped overworking himself in the dance studio would burn away the anger and anxiety that always seemed to be eating away at him but it hadn’t been enough. If he had been given a few more hours maybe it would have helped, but Chan found him too soon and now he was stuck with an unreasonable sense of rage directed towards his friend.

He locked himself in the bathroom, knowing Chan usually showered back at the company building after practices when he was going to stay late. Woojin turned on the water and let the shower run as he stripped, throwing his soaked clothes in a pile in the corner. He grimaced at the wet sound it made as it slapped on the tiles.

Without thinking, his hands trailed along his stomach. He flinched and his hands curled into fists. Woojin sighed and closed his eyes, letting the sound of the running water calm the tight pain in his chest. He didn’t know how long it took before he was able to open then again, but it was longer than the usual ten minutes they were normally allocated when there was a line forming. One of the few times staying up this late was a good thing.

He stepped into the shower, turning the cold water completely off so the shower was almost melting his skin. The lava hitting his shoulders felt amazing, like little hands beating the soreness from his muscles. He only realized he was crying when the water running down his cheeks was cooler than the water hitting his back. Woojin tried to take a deep breath but ended up choking on a sob. Why was he crying? What was wrong with him?

Woojin bit his finger to keep the sound of the sobs from waking anyone, or worse - letting Chan hear him, if the other boy was still awake.

He was able to take a breath, but only after the crimson dripping to the tub was washed away. The soap stung the marks on his finger, but it didn’t phase him. He was so, so tired.

Woojin turned the water off and stepped from the shower, only to growl when he realized he didn’t bring a change of clothes. He wrapped the towel around his wait and took another deep breath. As he exhaled, he gathered his dirty things and held them in his arm, specifically to cover his side.

Peeking out the door, Woojin sighed when he saw all the lights out - that meant Chan had gone to bed already. He crept to his room, the sound of Changbin and Felix sleeping peacefully calming him some. He threw his clothes in the dirty hamper and slipped on a shirt and patterned boxers that Minho had gotten him as a gag gift.

“...” Woojin hesitated, wondering if it was even worth it to dry his hair before collapsing in his bed. After a moment, he closed his eyes and shook his head. The wet towel was thrown in with the damp clothes and he slipping into his bed. He could feel his pillowcase instantly soak up the water from his hair but he didn’t care.

He knew the morning was going to bring more stress. More practices and lessons and who knows what else that would make them want to cry but they couldn't because they had to be strong and they couldn’t let the pressure of being idols break them and they couldn’t let the pressure of their quickly growing reputation make them want to give up even though he wanted nothing more than to just give up and fucking sleep-

Woojin closed his eyes tightly, a single tear escaping. He breathed through his nose and buried his face in his pillow. As he exhaled, he let himself finally fall asleep.

* * *

  
Woojin knew what he was doing was dangerous, but it was easier to throw himself into work than to try and unravel what exactly was hurting him so badly. It was like choosing between wrapping a wound tighter or washing it out properly. One would stop the pain for the time being, while the other would hurt enough to want to die but in the end will help him the most.

So what does Woojin do? He ties the bandage tighter and grits his teeth.

The choreographer clapped her hands with a smile.

“You guys are my favorite, you really are,” She laughed, her eyes turning up happily. “The others always complain when I ask them to try something, but you’re always such good sports.”

“Your choreography is amazing noona,” Chan said, panting but grinning nonetheless. “We’re lucky to get to try it out, even if it doesn’t make it into the dance.”

“Suck up~” Hyunjin said from across the room.

“Ya-” Chan spun around, only to give up on his angry act and lay on the ground.

“Everyone, go take a break. You’ve been working harder than ever and I’m getting a little worried about some of you,” She didn’t say any names in particular, but Woojin could feel her eyes staring at the back of his head. “Take… three hours. Go get some food. Make sure your blood sugar is up. Get some soda or coffee or something.”

“That goes against our diets.” Seungmin pouted.

“Okay, how about this,” She grinned slyly. “If you were to just happen to get soda or coffee with your meal, I will conveniently not tell anyone.”

“Noona!” Felix gasped jokingly, causing her to laugh.

“Seriously though, all of you are looking pale. Get some sugar in you. Eat a good meal. Something tasty and warm - none of that salad bullshit, okay?”

“You’re my favorite noona in the whole world.” Changbin groaned as he stood, his back cracking loudly.

“And you’re her favorite gremlin.” Jisung grinned, making his cheeks puff up. Changbin shouted and charged at the younger, who easily sidestepped the rapper.  
Woojin felt a small smile tug at his lips. It felt almost foreign on his face. It was times like these, when the others were joking around and being allowed to act their age that things almost felt better. Almost felt worth it - compared to the times where Woojin was left laying in his best, wondering if all the stress and pain and anger justified the end.

“Come on Wooj, we got permission to eat as much as we can,” Chan crouched next to the older boy with a warm smile. “I think they decided on chicken.”

“Chicken?” Woojin blinked, his mind finally coming into focus.

“Yeah, come on,” He stood and held a hand out for him. “We don’t want them to leave without us.”

Woojin didn’t say anything. It felt like his tongue was too heavy. He let Chan help him up and grabbed his bag, following his leader out of the practice room. He didn’t know if he would be able to actual stomach anything, but it was worth it to get Chan to stop looking at him like he was going to collapse.

The younger members were waiting by the front of the company building, joking around and showing things to each other from their phones. Jisung saw the two oldest approaching first and instantly lit up.

“There you are! Come on, let’s eat!” He grinned and rushed forward, taking Woojin’s hand and pulling him in the direction of their favorite chicken place that just happened to be around the corner. Woojin let himself be dragged, not adding to the conversation happening around him.

Jisung chatted happily with Jeongin and Minho. Hyunjin, Changbin and Seungmin were picking on Felix, who was still confused about why they were laughing. As far as Woojin could tell, Hyunjin told Felix a joke, which went right over the aussie’s head. Chan was the only other silent one, just listening to the others that with a smile.

Woojin realized Jisung was still holding his hand, but he didn’t try to pull away. It felt odd, being touched by another person. His members were a touchy group, but being the oldest - but not the leader - left Woojin alone more often than not.

The others didn’t do it on purpose, he knew that. He knew they weren’t purposely excluding him. He knew that. But it still stung when Jisung hung himself over the other 00 liners. Still hurt a little when Changbin attached himself to Felix or Chan or Jisung. Still smarted when Jeongin instinctively went to Hyunjin, or Chan when he was feeling down. They didn’t mean to, but they had their set groupings, and most of the time Woojin wasn’t a part of them.

And that was fine.

Woojin was better off on his own, anyway. It had always been a problem of his - how attached he got. He lost many friends in elementary and middle school because he would develop a crush on them as soon as they showed him any affection.

“Hyung, are you alright?” Jisung’s voice broke Woojin from his thoughts. “You’ve been really quiet.”

“Ah, yeah,” Woojin smiled softly. He loved his members, more than he knew how to express. “Just thinking.”

“Always a dangerous hobby.” Hyunjin grinned, elbowing Woojin gently.

“Whatcha thinking about hyung?” Jeongin asked, walking backwards but still somehow managing to avoid all the cracks and bumps in the sidewalk.

“Nothing in particular,” Woojin answered honestly. He wasn’t thinking about anything specifically - it was just the usual chatter of shitty voices and insecurities and reminders that ebbed and flowed through his mind at any given moment. Sometimes they were louder than others. Thankfully, this was one of the times where they were quieter. “We should hurry though. Three hours goes by fast when we’re messing around.”

They piled into the chicken place, and the second Jisung’s hand left his, Woojin felt his mood plummet. They pulled two tables together so they could all sit together, but even then Woojin was left to sit at the end of the table. Chan was to his left, and Minho to his right, but he still felt isolated.

As the others began talking, Woojin felt himself slipping back into his thoughts. He itched to get back to practice, his muscles begging to be used. He glanced to Chan, who was deep in conversation with Changbin, then to Minho, who was showing Seungmin a video on his phone. Woojin’s skin began to crawl.

Why was he even there? Why did he ever even audition for this? He should have listened to his mother. He should have gone to school for something - anything. He should have gotten a degree, an apartment, a girlfriend and a cat and a job that doesn’t make him want to take a bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up again. He had a bottle of pills at home, but he wasn’t going to take them. They were more of a precaution - to shut his mind up when it started to yell at him, like it was starting to do-

“Hyung, you gotta eat,” Minho said suddenly, placing another piece of chicken into his bowl. “You okay?”

“Just tired.” Woojin muttered, picking up his chopsticks and playing with his food but not bringing it to his mouth.

Minho frowned but didn’t say anything more. Woojin took a small bite before putting his chopsticks back down again. He loved chicken, but he just wasn’t hungry. In fact, the taste of the spices made his stomach churn.

Three hours couldn’t go any faster.

* * *

  
“Hyung, stop!” Seungmin yelled suddenly. Woojin stopped abruptly and spun around.

“Seungmin what the fuck!” Woojin snapped, seeing red.

“Look at your fucking hands!” Seungmin yelled back. Woojin held his glare for a moment before glancing down. His stomach dropped.

His knuckles were a bloody mess, and he could see purple blooming under the drying crimson that was smeared across his taunt skin. He glanced at the punching bag and saw red staining the fabric.

He had gone to the gym in hopes of burning the anxiety and pressure that dancing alone couldn’t. He started with weight lifting, but soon his arms were too weak to hold anything. Then he moved to the treadmill, where he ran until his legs gave out. As soon as he could stand again, he went to the punching bag. It was always his favorite thing to do at the gym, but he had to wait until he was alone. Something about worrying others with how hard he attacked the punching bag or something. He didn’t care, as long as he got rid of the damn weight on his chest that made it hard to breathe.

He hadn’t heard anyone come into the room as he wailed on the punching bag, putting all his frustrations behind his hits. He was so close - so fucking close - to finally getting rid of the pressure in his chest. Just a little longer, just a few more hits, and he would be able to breath easily again but no, Seungmin just had to come in.

“Go home Seungmin.” Woojin said, turning away from the younger, his voice biting. He heard Seungmin suck in a shocked breath but didn’t turn around.

“Not without you,” Seungmin sounded weird, but Woojin couldn’t put his finger on the emotion. “Chan hyung is worried. He saved you some dinner too-”

“I said,” Woojin’s hands cured into tight fists. “Go. Home.”

“And I said, not without you.” Seungmin’s voice shook. Woojin realized what the emotion in the younger’s words was.

Seungmin was scared.

Scared of Woojin.

“Fine,” Woojin sighed, his shoulder slumping. He went over to his bag and zipped it angrily. He brushed past Seungmin, who was frozen. Woojin stopped by the door but didn’t turn around. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

Seungmin didn’t say anything as he followed the elder from the gym. Neither spoke on the way home.

“Seungmin? Did you find him?” Chan’s voice rang out as soon as the door opened.

“Yeah.” The younger boy said, his voice barely loud enough to reach the kitchen, where the leader was waiting for them.

“Wooj? Where were you?” Chan came over with a frown. He took one look at the two and frowned harder. “Minnie, you can go to bed. I know you’re tired.”

“Night hyungs.” Seungmin didn’t look at either of them before scrambling away and slamming the door behind him.

“Let me see your hands.” Chan said gently, still looking in the direction that Seungmin ran off to.

“I’m fine.” Woojin’s tone was clipped.

“You’re bleeding.”

“I’m fine-”

“From your stomach.”

Woojin whirled around, his hand covering his side. Chan looked close to tears, but that’s not what made the older vocalist pale.

“It’s nothing,” His voice cracked. “I’m going to shower. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Woojin, we need to talk about this-” But Woojin had already gone into the bathroom.

* * *

  
“Watch where you’re going.” Seungmin snapped at Felix, who had bumped into him.

“Min, there’s no need to take that tone-” Chan tried to mediate.

“He stepped on my foot because he wasn’t paying attention, as usual.” The younger vocalist glared at the freckled boy, who looked close to tears.

“I’m sorry Min I-”

“Whatever. Let’s just do it again.” Seungmin rolled his eyes, ignoring the hurt radiating from Felix’s face. Woojin felt a spike of irritation rage through him. What was Seungmin’s problem? He had no right to speak to Felix like that.

They all got back into position, the other members shooting Seungmin cautious looks from the corners of their eyes. They didn’t know what was wrong with their second youngest and it worried them.

They ran through the choreography flawlessly, leaving everyone panting and out of breath. Chan signaled for a break, and the boys happily collapsed on the floor. For a few minutes, all that was heard was heavy breathing and the sound of water being gulped down as if they were dying of thirst.

Chan sat down next to Woojin, who made a point to sit away from the others.

“You okay?” Chan asked quietly. Woojin didn’t look up from his hands.

“Of course,” He answered, the lie coming as second nature. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know, I really care about you,” Chan sounded sad. Woojin didn’t like it when Chan sounded sad. “I talked to Minnie this morning. He told me what happened last night. Wooj, I’m real worried about you. You haven’t been eating, you’ve been staying late almost every night. Now you’re at the gym until you’ve hurt yourself? And… and your side-”

“I need to go to the bathroom.” Woojin stoof abruptly. Chan blinked but before he could say anything, the vocalist was gone from the practice room.

Woojin practically raced to the nearest bathroom. He slammed the door behind it, locking it firmly. He was glad it was a single stall, because he wouldn’t have handled someone walking in all that well.

As soon as his back hit the wall, tears started streaming down his cheeks. Woojin slid to the ground and sobbed, covering his face desperately to hide the sounds. He sobbed harder, the tears scalding against his skin. His hands shook as he tried to stop crying, but it was useless.

He was useless.

Woojin had no idea how long he cried on the bathroom floor. When he stood up, the walls spun and his legs almost gave out. He managed to catch himself on the sink as the world around him began to settle again. He looked at himself in the mirror and instantly wished he hadn’t.

His eyes were red and swollen, and looked as empty as his chest felt. His cheeks were blotchy and he could see the tear tracks running down his face. His bottom lip trembled as he took in the damage, and he bit it to keep it still. A bead of red ran down his chin but he didn’t stop biting his lip.

The cold water he splashed on his face felt amazing, but it was short lived. The moment he used a paper towel to pat the water away, his stomach dropped again. He had to go back and face his members, if they were even still there. He honestly didn’t know how long he had been in the bathroom, and his phone was tucked in his bag back in the practice room.

Woojin slipped from the bathroom and made his way back. The lights were still on, but there was only one body there. He pushed the door open and tried not to flinch as Chan’s eyes instantly snapped to him.

“I was wondering where you had gone off to,” Chan said easily, but Woojin could hear the underlying layer of panic in his words. “I sent the others back. They were getting restless and we wouldn’t have gotten any work done without bloodshed. Speaking of which…”

Chan walked up to Woojin and swiped his thumb along the vocalist’s bottom lip. Woojin pulled back, and Chan’s eyes got even sadder.

“You shouldn’t bite your lip,” He said softly, wiping the blood from Woojin’s lip on his black shorts. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“Isn’t that the point?” Woojin asked, brushing past Chan and going to check his phone. There were a few messages from the SKZ groupchat, telling Woojin to take care of himself and asking Chan to pick up snacks on his way back to the dorms. He slipped his phone into his back pocket and slung his bag over his shoulder. There was no way

Chan was going to let him keep practicing after what happened.

“Woojin, something’s going on and… and you don’t have to go through it alone.” Chan pressed a hand to Woojin’s arm. The elder instantly brushed it off, as if it was a bug he didn’t want touching him.

“I said I’m fine,” Woojin said, trying to keep his voice level. “Try focusing on the others before they tear each other to pieces.”

“You know why Seungmin was so snappish today?” The softness from Chan’s voice was gone. The sudden harsh tone made Woojin freeze. He just shrugged, still facing away from his leader. “I don’t- I don’t know exactly what happened between you two. He just told me he found you at the gym and brought you back but obviously something else happened, and whatever happened upset him enough to act like that to Felix.”

“So you’re blaming me?” Woojin whirled around and threw his bag to the side. He walked right up to Chan, his long legs only taking three steps before he was in Chan’s face. “It’s my fault, huh? I’m the one that fucked Seungmin up?”

“I never said you-”

“But you implied it,” Woojin growled, his nose almost touching Chan’s. The defiance in the blonde’s eyes instantly switched to something else and it felt like an arrow to Woojin’s chest. Woojin stumbled back when he recognized the look in his friend’s eyes and quickly grabbed his bag. “I’m going back. Don’t be too long.” He said before quickly sprinting from the building.

The look in Chan’s eyes was fear.

He made Chan afraid of him too.

Woojin let silent tears run down his face as he walked back to the dorms. He needed to get his shit together - and soon.

Or else it would be his fault that Stray Kids falls apart.


	2. Chapter 2

Woojin felt the room spin, but he kept pushing. He knew it was his own fault, having barely eaten in the last two days. It wasn’t that he was starving himself. He just was never hungry anymore. He was more focused on practicing and fixing himself and getting rid of that damned weight pressing down on his chest and eating was the last thing on his mind.

“Hyung, you want some fruit snacks?” Jisung called over to him, holding the small pack in his hand as if he was about to toss it over. Woojin just glared at him, trying to make his eyes focus on the boy.

“I don’t think he’s in the mood…” Jeongin whispered to the youngest rapper, glancing warily over to their oldest friend as he played with the hems of his long sleeves. Woojin scowled at the comment and looked away, his vision blurring again. He was tired, and starving, and probably dehydrated. Every cell of his body was begging him to rest, but he ignored it.

“Damn, I was just trying to be nice.” Jisung grimaced and stood, shooting Woojin a scathing look before going to sit with Hyunjin and Minho. Woojin’s scowl deepened. There was something about Jisung’s tone that really rubbed him the wrong way.

The weight on Woojin’s chest increased. He scratched at him arm, trying to focus on the feeling of his short nails against his skin. He hoped the sensation would ground him, but it wasn’t enough. He dug his nails in deeper, the pain shooting up his arm and making his eyes water.

“Hyung…” Changbin sat next to him and took his hand away from his arm, letting his fingers lace through the elder’s in an attempt to comfort the vocalist as well as keep Woojin from doing any more damage to himself.

“What do you want Changbin?” Woojin asked harshly, but didn’t try to pull his hand away.

“I want to make sure you’re okay.” The rapper replied calmly.

“I’m fine.”

“You were clawing at your arms. That doesn’t seem fine.”

“Must be a bad bug bite or something,” Woojin could feel how the skin on his arm was on fire, and he wished he could make it hotter. Stoke the flames. “But seriously, I’m fine.”

“You know, I’ve never heard you raise your voice before,” Changbin commented, watching the others mess around as he traced patterns into the back of Woojin’s hand. “Before recently, at least.”

“I’ve just been stressed.” Woojin didn’t know why he had to defend his actions to the younger idol. His actions were his alone.

“We’ve all been stressed, but at least we don’t take it out on each other.”

“Just call me a fuck up an leave,” Woojin growled, finally ripping his hand away from the younger. “I don’t need your pity.”

“I never said you were a fuck up, and I’ve never pitied you.” Changbin frowned.

“Then why the intervention, huh?”

“Because you’ve been acting like an asshole,” The rapper snapped, finally losing his patience. “You made Seungmin cry the other day. You’ve been snapping at everyone, even when they’re just trying to take care of you-”

“Maybe I never asked for anyone to try to take care of me,” Woojin stood abruptly. “Mind your own fucking business for once, okay?”

“Woojin-”

Woojin didn’t listen. He stormed away from the rapper and dug his headphones out of his bag. If he wasn’t allowed to leave the practice room during their break, he would drone out the noises and focus on not crying. He couldn’t break now. He had to be strong, so why did his eyes burn so badly?

* * *

  
“We need to talk,” Chan said, barring the practice room door. Woojin had stayed back, as usual, and the leader had stopped him before he could leave. “And I’m not taking no for an answer this time.”

“Leave me alone Chan.” Woojin said. His body ached. He spent too long in the gym, then forced his body through run after run of the new choreography. For once, the weight on his chest seemed to be gone and Woojin just wanted to go home, shower, and be dead to the world for however many hours their schedule would allow him to be.

“No! Neither of us are leaving until we talk this bullshit out,” Chan held his ground. “I’m not going to let you bring this bad fucking energy back to the dorm again. Everyone’s on edge and you’re not helping anyone by being an asshole all the time.”

“You don’t get it!” Woojin whirled around and screamed in Chan’s face. “You think you know everything but you don’t! You think you can act like you’re better than us but you aren’t!”

“I never said I was better than you!” Chan snapped, screaming back at his friend. “I’m worried for my fucking family! At least I’m making an effort to make things better!”

“You think I’m not trying to fix me? You think I’m fine and dandy with how things are going? Literally go fuck yourself Chris.”

“Woojin-”

He didn’t think. The next thing Woojin knew, his fist was connecting with Chan’s jaw. The blonde flew backwards, slamming into the mirror of the practice room. The back of his head hit the mirror, bouncing hard before he slid to the ground. A thin crack ran appeared in the glass where he hit.

“Ch-Chris…” Woojin stared at his friend in horror.

“You… BASTARD!” Chan flew to his feet and the next thing Woojin knew, there was a fist flying right towards his face. He managed to dodge the first hit, but didn’t noticed Chan’s knee coming up to get him right in the stomach. He doubled over, only to have his head yanked up by his hair.

“You fucker-” Woojin spit in Chan’s face, causing the blonde’s mouth to curl into a sneer. He dropped Woojin’s head and aimed for the stomach again, but the brunette was able to twist and rip himself from Chan’s hold and punched his friend.

“Ah-” Chan cried out and swung at Woojin, his eyes wide with anger. Woojin took a hit to the arm, causing him to stumble back. Woojin managed to land another hit to Chan’s cheek, causing the blonde to fall back again.

The stared at each other, panting. Chan spit a blob of red onto the hardwood floors without breaking eye contact.

“You done yet?” He growled, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth. Woojin wanted to say yes, but he was so angry at the look Chan was giving him that he wanted to scream.How dare he look at Woojin with pity in the middle of a fist fight? He charged one more time and hit Chan’s cheek again. The blonde cried out in pain and fell to his knees, holding his face in his hand as he glared up at Woojin.

“I told you to leave me alone.” Woojin sneered, clenching his hands into fists to hide how they were trembling.

“Hit me all you want,” Chan’s voice cracked. “Just leave this bullshit here. If I catch you hurting any of the others, you’re out.”

“What?” Woojin heard ringing in his ears. His hands fell limp at his sides.

“I said, you’re out,” Chan slowly stood, his face already bruising. “If you hurt anyone else in the band, you’re gone. We can make do with one less vocalist if you can’t control yourself.”

“What happened to nine or nothing Channie?” Woojin hated how his voice shook.

“One for the good of many,” Chan looked Woojin in the eye, his gaze unwavering. “I’m supposed to look out for you all, but if you’re going to be a danger, you have to go.”

“I-” Woojin wanted to scream, to throw another punch, but all he was able to do was fall to his knees as sobs wracked his body. He covered his face, not flinching when his own forming bruises throbbed as his face twisted painfully. He thought his ribs were going to break from how hard he was crying, but it didn’t seem like there was any end to the tears.

“It’s alright Jinnie,” Chan whispered as he held the elder to his chest. “It’s going to be okay.”

Chan’s comforts made Woojin cry harder. Every night that he pushed himself and hurt himself and told himself to suck it up came pouring out at one.

“I c-can’t do this anymore!” Woojin yelled, burying his face in Chan’s shirt.

“You’re going to be alright. I love you so much Wooj. You’re not alone.” Chan started tearing up. He knew his friend was hurting, but this wasn’t anything close to what he was expecting. The fight he sort of anticipated, but this? He didn’t think he had even seen someone cry so hard, not even during the show.

“I don’t…. I don’t want to do this anymore,” Woojin’s sobs started to quiet as he clung tightly. “I can’t wake up every morning with this- this weight on me anymore.”

“You’re safe,” Chan let the elder ramble on. “You’re okay.”

This was going to be a rough road to recovery for everyone.

* * *

  
“Watch where you’re going.” Felix snapped as he came out of the bathroom. Hyunjin barely managed to avoid running headfirst into the other boy.

“Maybe you should watch where you’re going.” Hyunjin scowled, pushing past Felix.

“What was that?” Felix spun around and growled, shoving Hyunjin backwards.

“I said, watch where you’re fucking going, asshole.” Hyunjin shoved Felix back, the smaller boy stumbling back a few feet.

“Oh, that’s it-”

“NO,” Chan stood between them. “No more fighting!”

“He deserves it- holy fuck.”

“What happened to your face?” Felix asked, all the fire gone from his voice. Chan flinched. He and Woojin hadn’t made it home until almost three in the morning, so he was running on almost two hours of sleep and his face felt like it was on fire.

“No. More. Fighting.” He just growled again, glaring between Hyunjin and Felix. He didn’t answer the question, though the second they saw Woojin, Chan knew they would connect the dots. They were smart kids, if not a little bullheaded.

“What’s going on?” Jeongin came over, looking at his friends curiously. When no one answered him immediately, he fidgeted with his sleeves.

“Are you cold Innie?” Chan asked, turning his attention to the fact that his youngest was wearing long sleeves in the warm dorm.

“Um, yeah,” The maknae fidgeted more. “I’ve been chilly lately.”

“Are you getting sick?” Chan moved to place his hand on Jeongin’s forehead, only to frown when the boy flinched away from his touch.

“I’ll be fine hyung.” He didn’t look Chan in the eyes.

“Jeongin-”

“Seriously, forget about it.” Jeongin suddenly turned and walked away, leaving Chan, Hyunjin and Felix looking at each other in confusion.

“I… have to make a phone call.” Chan said, pulling out his phone and going to stand in the hallway.

“Chan? Is something wrong?” His manager asked.

“Is there anyway to get a few days off?” Chan asked, already knowing the chances were low.

“What? Promotions are going to be starting soon. Besides… it’s not like you to ask for days off unless something is really wrong.”

“There’s… a lot going on,” Chan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “It’s going to take a while to sort out.”

“I’ll talk to the company and try to get you a three day weekend, but the choreographer is already here warming up. We can’t cancel on her when you’re supposed to be here in…. Fifteen minutes.”

“Shit… yeah you’re right….” Chan sighed harder. “The weekend would be perfect. Thank you hyung.”

“Chan… I actually wanted to talk to you,” He sounded tense. “I got a call from security last night. They said they saw you and Woojin fighting in the practice room after hours.”

“That’s… we sorted everything out,” Chan suddenly felt exhausted. “We had… a disagreement but we figured things out and settled it.”

“Are you sure?” He asked.

“Yeah, don’t worry. It was part of working everything out. Baby steps.”

“Alright, well try to keep the bloodshed to a minimum.”

“I’ll do my best hyung.” Chan managed a small smile before hanging up.

“Is everything alright?” Minho asked as the blonde came back into the kitchen.

“Yup,” He smiled tiredly. “Just… trying to keep my family from falling apart…”

“You’re a great leader, you know that right?” Minho asked, moving to sit next to the other boy. “We all really love you, and we know sometimes things get rough but you don’t have to do anything alone. We’re in this together.”

“I love you guys.” He rested his head on Minho’s shoulder, not caring that the pressure on his cheek sent pain shooting through his skull.

“Is everything okay?” Minho asked. Just as Chan was about to answer, Woojin walked into the kitchen. His face wasn’t as bruised as Chan’s but it still looked painful.

“Hey Wooj.” Chan said, lifting his head and smiling softly.

“Hey Chan.”

“Damn, you need an ice pack hyung?” Minho asked, eyeing the purple spreading across Woojin’s tan skin.

“Little late for that but thanks for the offer.” Woojin offered a crooked smile before opening the fridge and digging something out to eat.

“Are you two… good?” Minho glanced between them with a frown.

“Yeah, we worked it out,” Chan said, petting the dancer’s head gently. “We should round up the kids. We’re supposed to start practice in fifteen minutes.”

“Aye aye captain.” Minho smirked and saluted before going to hurry the younger members up.

* * *

  
Woojin threw himself into the practice despite the warning looks from Chan. The first run through went smoothly, until their choreographer got their attention.

“For the move right before the chorus, do you think you can jump higher?” She asked, looking between the nine sweaty boys.

“Higher?”

“Yeah, you got pretty high off the ground in other dances if I remember correctly..”

“We could try.” Chan said, looking a little worried. There was more than one instance of someone landing too hard back during their last comeback. He didn’t want to see the desolation in his boy’s eyes again - Changbin and Seungmin almost killed him.

“Alright from the top but this time try to jump as high as you can.” She said, clapping her hands. They got into place, and Woojin prayed he remembered the new instruction. He had trouble remembering changes because he got the original so stuck in his head - he focused so hard on what he knew that he forgot when he was supposed to do something differently.

The music started and Woojin’s muscles took control. He didn’t even think as he danced, his body so conditioned to know the moves that if he blacked out right then and there, there was a high chance he would finish the choreography before collapsing.

When the jump came up, he thankfully remembered to jump as high as he could, landing with bent knees to absorb as much shock as he landed.

“Ah that was it!” The choreographer clapped and hopped a little from foot to foot. “Woojin-ah, can you do it for everyone to see? Yours was the best.”

“Uh, yeah sure.” he blinked, not expecting to be called out. He took his position and waited for the music to start over. The choreographer let it play from the beginning, know how it could be disorienting to start in the middle of a song. He gave it his all, not wanting his members to think he was slacking because it was just him dancing.

The jump came and he put as much strength behind it as possible. He felt pride bloom in his chest as he looked at himself in the mirror. His form was perfect, his feet off the ground, his arms strong, his stomach toned-

His shirt had lifted up. His face paled as he landed, hard. He went all the way down, kneeling and breathing heavily. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, as if to hold himself together. The music continued to play but no one moved. Woojin was afraid to look up, but he still knew all eyes were glued to him.

“Hyung-”

“Woojin, come with me.” Chan whispered in Woojin’s ear. The vocalist didn’t look up but let himself be pulled from the practice room. He could faintly hear the music start again, the other’s shoes squeaking on the hardwood floors as they got into position. Chan led him down the hall to one of the empty practice rooms. It was one that was rarely used because the heater was broken and dancing in it was hell.

“They saw, didn’t they?” Woojin whispered, tugging the hem of his shirt down. Chan frowned and wrapped an arm around his friend’s shoulder.

“It’s alright-”

“No it’s not!” Woojin threw Chan’s arm off. “They- no one was supposed to know!”

“Is it that bad that we know now?” Chan asked calmly, not wanting a repeat of the night before. “We can help you-”

“I don’t need help,” Woojin scrunched his eyes tight, begging himself not to cry. “I’m fine-”

“Don’t lie to me Wooj,” Chan whispered, making the vocalist fall silent. He stared at the blonde through the mirror, his eyes wide and glassy. “And don’t lie to yourself. We both know something’s wrong, and if you keep trying to handle this alone you’re going to end up killing yourself.”

“Would that really be such a bad thing?” Woojin closed his eyes as a single tear ran down his cheek. He heard Chan take a sharp breath and there were suddenly arms around his waist. Woojin let another tear slip as Chan cried into his shoulder.

“Woojin, can… can I see?” Chan asked, sounding scared.

“Why would you want to?” Woojin’s stomach dropped. “They’re hideous.”

“I want to understand,” The blonde said softly. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to but…”

“You’re going to cry if you see them. I know you will.” Woojin played with the hem of his shirt, feeling conflicted. On one hand, it was one of his closest guarded secrets. On another hand, he was so tired of doing this alone.

When Chan didn’t say anything, Woojin sighed and took his shirt off. He clenched the fabric in his fist and closed his eyes, not moving from where he was standing. He heard Chan walk towards him, but the shaking gasp was what made Woojin break.

The tears he worked so hard to hold back came flowing from closed eyes as trembling fingers ghosted along his side. He knew exactly what Chan was seeing, and he felt sick to his stomach.

The scars were hideous. The fading whiter ones stood out painfully against his tanned skin, but were easily covered by the pink, raised lines from the last time he cut. None were still bleeding, but they were tender and made him flinch when Chan’s fingers caught on them. Some were short and deep, while others were long and thin. Together, it was a painting of agony and depression that no one was ever supposed to see.

“Why?” Chan asked, sounding broken.

“Are you crying?” Woojin asked, smirking a little through the tears.

“Idiot…”

“I knew it,” He laughed faintly, still not opening his eyes. “I started because I wanted to get better… I thought if I punished myself, I’d have motivation to work harder. Then… I did it to feel. Sometimes I feel so numb, like I don’t exist. I feel like I’m floating and I can’t touch anything - like I’m a ghost. The pain grounds me, brings me back to reality.”

“I’m so sorry I never noticed.” Chan whispered sadly.

“You know, I think I realized something,” Woojin didn’t know why he was talking about this. He had never told anyone this realization. Ever. “I always wanted to make an impact, but I was always terrified that I was going to die without making a mark on the world. I guess it’s less now, seeing how many Stays say how much we help them, but even then I wonder if I could be doing more…”

“Woojin, you do so much-”

“It’s alright Chan. I know I’m not the most popular member. I’m glad everyone is getting love… I just, guess I would take it out on myself? If I can’t make a mark on the world, I can make a mark on myself. If I can’t leave something that will last for others, I can leave something that will last on me.”

“Wooj-” Chan didn’t say anything more. He threw himself into his friend’s arms, wrapping his around the vocalist’s neck and sobbing into his shoulder. “You’re not alone anymore.”

“I’m sorry I worried everyone,” Woojin whispered into Chan’s hair, his tears soaking into the blonde’s fried strands. “I thought I could handle it, but I guess I was wrong about that too.”

“You don’t have to handle it by yourself.”

“I’m sorry.”

“When was the last time you…?” Chan’s hand hovered over his side.

“On my stomach? A couple of night ago,” Woojin answered honestly. He was tired of lying. “My leg? Last night…. After our fight…”

“Wh-?”

“I just felt so… awful. I never should have hit you! You were just trying to take care of me and I hurt you… I deserved it-”

“Don’t you dare fucking say you deserved it,” Chan growled, his eyes red and swollen from crying. He gripped Woojin’s arms, making the brunette look at him. “No one- NO ONE - deserves to hurt like this.”

“I’ve just gotten so used to it…” He looked away, feeling ashamed.

“No more.”

“What?” Woojin pulled away a little, furrowing his brows at his friend.

“You’re not allowed to be used to it anymore,” Chan said, looking serious. “You aren’t allowed to do this alone either. We’re a family. If you found out one of the boys were hurting themselves, would you let them brush you off?”

“Of course not-”

“Exactly. You’re just as important as they are,” Chan’s face softened. “I’m not going to leave you behind. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

“I love you…” Woojin’s face crumpled as even more tears somehow started flowing. He didn’t know how he still had tears to cry, but they were soaking into Chan’s shirt regardless of how dried out Woojin felt.

“Love you too Jinnie.” Chan kissed the top of Woojin’s head as he held his friend. He let Woojin cry, knowing he was in no state to go back to practice. Tomorrow was Friday, and if their manager was able to pull his strings, Chan would have three whole days to fix his family.

Between the boys fighting, Woojin, and Jeongin’s sudden sickness, Chan didn’t know how he was going to glue the pieces back together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a day late, but I managed to finish this chapter! After posting Whippoorwill I was so tired of writing XD hopefully now things will be more consistent but then again how many times have I said that and how many times have I had a consistent upload schedule?


	3. Chapter 3

“So what’s going on?” Minho asked hesitantly, after deciding the suffocating silence was too much to handle anymore.

Chan had gathered everyone in the living room, saying they had something to discuss. When Jeongin asked about practice, the blonde just said it was cancelled. Everyone was sitting around the table, not speaking - as if they were afraid to be the first one to break the heavy silence.

“We have a lot to discuss,” Chan said, trying not to let how exhausted he felt drip into his words. “I was given a three day weekend for this, which means the next three days are going to be for us to fix shit.”

“What needs to be fixed?” Hyunjin asked, looking bored.

“Your attitude, for one.” Felix snapped from across the table, not looking up from his phone. Hyunjin’s head snapped up. In a heartbeat, he was on his feet. Changbin caught his arm and dragged him back down.

“I’m fucking sick and tired of you,” Hyunjin growled. “I swear to god I’m going to beat the shit out of you-”

“THIS IS WHAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED.” Chan slammed his hands on the table and yelled, causing everyone to jump and fall silent again.

“I didn’t do anything!” Hyunjin instantly defended himself, only to earn a scathing look from his leader.

“I’m sick of this piss poor attitude you and Lix have been keeping up,” Chan said, looking between the rapper and the dancer. “I get that things have been tense around the dorm but you’re brothers now. We’re a family. If you have a problem, you talk it out and get over it. We don’t fight and we don’t do this… petty angry bullshit.”

“Ironic, seeing how you and Woojin hyung literally beat the shit out of each other.” Jisung muttered, hugging a pillow close to his chest. Chan took a deep breath.

“What happened between me and Woojin was… unfortunate but ultimately needed,” he said carefully. “Wooj and I have done a lot of talking recently, and we’re going to need your help to make sure things actually get better.”

“Is this about what happened at practice yesterday?” Jeongin asked quietly, looking uncomfortable.

“Yeah, actually,” Chan looked to the older vocalist. “You want to do it now? Or in a little bit? I have other things I want to talk about if you want to stall a little.”

“I should get it over with,” Woojin had never felt so out of place in the dorm before. He fidgeted on the couch, holding the other pillow close to his chest. His side and leg felt weird because Chan insisted on wrapping the lines with medication to help them heal faster. “Um… I have depression… and anxiety… and probably some kind of aggression problems? And I’ve been trying to work through them alone, which caused it to be bottled up, which made me take it out on you guys, and I’m really fucking sorry for that. You didn’t deserve my bullshit…”

“Wooj, what did we talk about?” Chan asked softly. Woojin looked away and pouted a little.

“I mean, sorry for taking it out on you, and thank you for being my friends and being in my life when things got hard, even when you didn’t know what was happening.”

“We spend a lot of time together,” Chan said, everything he practiced saying suddenly gone from his head. “And because of that, if one of us is upset we tend to pick up on that. Hyunjin and Felix, you two are friends. You can’t keep fighting over petty things.”

“I’ve just been so frustrated recently…” Felix looked away. “I don’t know why.”

“If you want to come to the gym with me and Chan hyung when you get that way you can,” Changbin offered. “I know working out can help with emotional stuff.”

“Actually, we need to monitor that,” Chan interrupted. “Over working can be a form of self harm, and especially after what Woojin’s been putting himself through, we need to make sure no one else falls into those destructive habits.”

“I thought self harm was just like… cutting yourself…” Jisung said, genuinely looking confused. Chan offered the younger rapper a small smile before answering.

“Self harm can be anything that’s destructive,” Chan had done his research. When he saw Woojin bleeding through his shirt, he tried to understand what could be happening with his friend, and was heartbroken when he realized he was right. “Cutting, bruising yourself, starving, over working, even forms of hyper sexuality.”

“What?” Minho blinked.

“If you hate yourself, and you want to punish yourself or think you aren’t worthy of love, you’ll sleep around and let others take advantage of your body.” Woojin answered, his words monotone. Eight sets of worried eyes fixed on the eldest, who refused to look at anyone.

“You… know a lot about that, huh?” Chan’s voice shook. Woojin’s head shot up and he stared at the blonde.

“Shit…” Woojin hissed, looking away again.

“Guessing that wasn’t something you discussed…” Seungmin muttered, not liking what everyone was connecting.

“Wooj…” Chan’s eyes were glassy and it made Woojin’s chest hurt.

“It was a while ago. It’s fine.” He refused to look at anyone.

“Still-”

“I’m going to make some coffee,” Woojin stood suddenly. “Anyone want some?”

“I’ll take some.” Minho sighed, running a hand down his face.

“Same please.” Jisung let out a breath so his lips buzzed weakly. Seungmin raised his hand, while Hyunjin, Changbin and Chan all said no.

“I’ll help you hyung.” Jeongin stood, his shirt falling almost to his knees as he made his way to the eldest.

“We’ll be right back.” Woojin said, hating how the weight on his chest seemed to double as silence met his words.

The eldest and the youngest made their way to the kitchen without a word. No one in the living room spoke either, leaving the dorm feeling dead despite all nine members being home. Woojin pulled out the coffee maker as Jeogin lined up five mugs on the counter.

They worked without a word, pouring milk and sugar into the mugs ad waiting for the coffee to dribble into the slightly tinted pot.

“Hyung, do you think Chan hyung is mad at me?” Jeongin asked softly. Woojin jumped a little at his voice.

“Why would he be mad at you Innie?” Woojin cleared his throat when his voice cracked.

“Because I did something bad.”

“Bad?”

“I thought he was going to h-hit me…” Even though his back was to the eldest, Woojin could see how Jeongin’s shoulders were shaking.

“What? Chan would never-”

“But he hit you.”

“Because I hit him first… I was mad at him for trying to help me.”

“You… hit him first?” Jeongin turned around. Woojin felt his heart shatter at how the younger boy’s eyes were red and how his lip trembled.

“Jeongin, what did you think happened?” Woojin was almost afraid to know.

“I thought he got mad at you because of…” He trailed off, his hand coming up to rest on his own side. Woojin looked at him, face scrunched in confusion.

“You… thought he hit me because I hurt myself?” He asked, trying to understand why - even if he thought they fought because of that - why Chan would hit Jeongin of all people. The boy looked close to tears as he tugged his sleeves over his hands. “Oh fuck…”

“I’m s-sorry hyung…” Jeongin turned away, his entire body shaking. Woojin swooped forward and pulled Jeongin against his chest, holding the boy tightly as he sobbed. He tried to hide his face in his sleeves but Woojin pinned his arms to his sides.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Woojin whispered, letting his own tears soak into Jeongin’s shoulder. “You’re going to be okay.”

“I’ve- I’ve wanted to tell someone but I was so scared they’ll think I’m stupid,” Jeongin cried. Neither moved when the coffee machine beeped. “I know I’m stupid for even doing it but it… helped… made me feel better.”

“You’re no stupid Innie,” Woojin’s soul hurt. “You aren’t stupid.”

“It made me feel less lonely.” Jeongin leaned back into Woojin’s arms, his shoulder blades digging almost painfully into Woojin’s chest.

“You aren’t alone,” Woojin whispered, holding Jeongin tighter. “I love you so much.”

“They’re going to hate me…”

“Why would they hate you?”

“You need help more than me and they’re gonna hate me for being such an attention whore-”

“Never call yourself that again,” Woojin cut him off. “Where did you even hear that?”

“That’s what they call c-cutters.” Jeongin’s voice cracked.

“Who are ‘they’?”

“People online…”

“Oh baby…” Woojin held Jeongin as he cried. After a moment, he spun the boy around so he could hide his face in the elder’s shoulder.

“Is everything alright?” Minho poked his head into the kitchen, only to freeze.

“Maybe you should go-” Woojin started softly, not sure if Jeongin was okay with someone else being in the room.

“No, I’m okay,” Jeongin pulled away, offering Minho a watery smile. “Sorry for taking so long. Could you help us?”

“It’s alright,” Minho moved to help pour the coffee. “Chan hyung took Felix and Hyunjin to his room to talk to them separately. The rest of us are just on our phones.”

“Thanks hyung.” Jeongin said, not looking at either of them. They made their way back to the living room, handing out the mugs and settling back into their places. Woojin took a deep breath, letting the warmth of the mug relax him a little.

After a few minutes he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Chan.

“You need to have a talk with Innie. He’s been cutting and thought you were going to hit him because of it.” He didn’t want to go into too much detail in the message, especially when the blonde was currently hashing out a problem.  
Woojin saw that Chan read the text instantly, but he didn’t respond. Woojin locked his phone and gestured for Jeongin to sit next to him. No one commented on how the boy’s eyes were red or how he sniffled into his coffee. Woojin saw Jisung glancing at the youngest but was relieved when the rapper didn’t say anything.

He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Woojin just wanted to go to bed and sleep until Sunday night, but he knew he couldn’t no matter how badly his eyes stung and begged to be closed for a while. He could faintly hear voices from one of the bedrooms down the hall. He placed his coffee off to the side and let himself rest his eyes for a moment.

Jeongin was warm in his arms and even though he was a little boney, he was still soft. Woojin held him loosely and rested his head on the boy’s shoulder.

He tried to stay awake, but sleep called so sweetly to him and before he knew it, he was sleeping softly with Jeongin resting in his lap.

* * *

  
“You need to talk this out.” Chan said, sitting Felix and Hyunjin down on his bed. The boys were sitting with at least a foot of space between them. The two huffed and looked away.

“I don’t know what you want us to talk about.” Hyunjin scowled, folding his arms.

“I thought we already talked about this. Can I go?” Felix frowned.

“No, you admitted to being frustrated but you never talked about this animosity between you two.” Chan put his hands on his hips and looked carefully at his friends.

“What else is there to talk about?”

“I noticed there was tension through the dorm, but you two are the only ones that let it escalate. Jisung and Seungmin got snappy but they never threatened to literally beat the shit out of anyone.”

His phone buzzed. He checked it quickly and felt like throwing up. If what Woojin was saying was true… things were worse than he thought they were. He wanted to respond, but a voice drew his attention away from the message.

“He just… I don’t know why but Lix has just been grating on my nerves,” Hyunjin rested his chin in his palm. “I don’t want to be mad but I’m just so irritated all the time!”

“Is everything alright?” Chan asked, noticing how Hyunjin seemed on edge.

“I… haven’t been sleeping that great I guess…” Hyunjin sounded exhausted.

“Dreams keeping me up.”

“About what?”

“It- it doesn’t matter.” Hyunjin snapped, but Chan noticed how the younger boy’s face lit up bright red.

“Obviously it does if it’s been keeping you up,” Chan frowned. “Are they scary? Or confusing?”

“Confusing…”

“Who’s it about?” Chan kneeled next to Hyunjin and placed a hand on his knee. Hyunjin jumped a little.

“I never said it was about anyone!” Hyunjin’s head snapped up and he stared at Chan in horror. Pieces seemed to click for the blonde, who smiled softly.

“Jinnie, if you’re having dreams about someone, there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to be ashamed of it. It shouldn’t be keeping you up.”

“I never said it was about someone…” Hyunjin looked away, his eyes tearing up.

“It’s alright Jinnie.” Felix said softly, placing a hand on Hyunjin’s arm. The rapper brushed Felix away and growled.

“Don’t touch me!” He snapped, his eyes turning red from how hard he was holding back tears. Felix just looked at him, heartbroken, before his expression soured.

“Jesus fucking christ what’s your problem?” Felix yelled, shaking. “You’re been such an asshole recently and it’s pissing me the fuck off!”

“Maybe it’s none of your damn business!’ Hyunjin yelled back. He shoved at Felix, pushing the other boy back onto the bed. Thankfully, Felix’s head only hit the pillow, but the hurt in his face was enough.

“I fucking hate you.” Felix whispered, a tear running down his cheek. Hyunjin froze, his eyes widening as he realized what just happened.

“Lix-”

“I’m done with you.” Felix stood and rushed to the door, only to be barred from leaving. Chan leaned against the closed door with his arms crossed and eyebrow raised.

“Neither of you are leaving until this gets settled,” Chan said with a frown. It broke his heart to see Felix crying and Hyunjin looking so shattered on the bed, but he couldn’t let this go on for a single day more. “I don’t care how long it takes.”

“There’s nothing to settle.” Hyunjin said, trying to sound casual but failing as his voice shook.

“I think I know what’s going on here, and if I’m right - and I’m pretty damn sure I am - this can be settled easily if you both would just take your heads out of your ass and stop being so oblivious.”

“What are you talking about?” Felix snapped, rubbing his eyes roughly.

“Hyunjin, be honest, okay?” Chan said, glancing up at the younger rapper. Hyunjin scowled but didn’t say anything. “Who are your dreams about?”  
“It doesn’t matter.”

“Hyunjin…”

“Seriously hyung it doesn’t matter!”

“Jinnie…”

“Drop it!” Hyunjin’s voice was getting louder and louder until he was almost shouting.

“Hyunjin!” Chan yelled and Hyunjin cracked.

“FINE! It’s Felix, okay? I’ve been dreaming about Felix and I hate myself for it because he’s my best friend and I’m an idol and I can’t want to fuck my best f-fucking friend! Are you happy Chan? Is this what you wanted?” Hyunjin sobbed, scooting back so his back was against the wall as he hid his face in his hands.

“Felix, how do you feel about this?” Chan asked softly, just loud enough to be heard over the sound of Hyunjin’s crying.

“I… didn’t know you felt that way about me…” The freckled boy said, not turning around to face his friend.

“No one was supposed to know.” Hyunjin’s words were muffled by his hands, but the desperation was evident.

“Did you think I would be upset… if I found out?”

“Of course!” Hyunjin lifted his head, his entire face blotchy and damp. “What kind of person just-”

“Cuz I have the same kind of dreams,” Felix interrupted Hyunjin, who just stared at him with wide eyes. Felix moved to sit back on the bed. “About… you…”

“You…” Hyunjin started crying harder. “D-don’t fucking joke like that.”

“Why would I be joking?” Felix sounded hurt. “I’ve always thought you were pretty. I thought I was kinda obvious about it…”

Hyunjin threw himself at Felix, sobbing into the smaller boy’s arms as Felix held him tightly. Chan watched with a smile. He knew something was up between them, but didn’t want to intervene. It was their feelings to work out, but he should have known nothing would have happened unless they were literally forced to confront things.

“I’m so sorry I yelled at you,” Hyunjin cried. “I was never mad at you… I was mad at myself.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Felix was crying too, but he was also smiling. “I’m sorry I kept antagonizing you..”

“I’m gonna let you two talk, alone,” Chan smiled softly at the two. “If you need anything, I’ll be in the living room.”

“Thanks hyung.” Felix grinned at him, his eyes lighting up beautifully. Hyunjin kept his face buried in Felix’s chest

Chan smiled wider and slipped from the room, closing the door behind him.

He took two steps away from the bedroom and rested his back against the wall. He pulled his phone back out and stared at the message Woojin had sent him.

“Oh god Innie…” Chan felt his eyes burn. He needed to talk to the youngest, about a lot of things. He also had to talk to Woojin, about what he said earlier and about everything that’s been happening. And he had to talk with Changbin and Jisung about how they’ve been avoiding sleep in favor of working. And he should talk to Minho and Seungmin about life, make sure they’re okay.

He took another deep breath to steady himself before going into the living room. He managed a small smile when he saw Woojin and Jeongin sleeping peacefully on the couch. Jisung and Minho were watching something on the rapper’s phone, sharing a pair of beat up headphones. Changbin was typing away at his laptop and Seungmin was nowhere to be seen. He frowned.

“Hey Binnie,” He whispered, getting the rapper’s attention. “Where’s Seungmin?”

“Ah, went to get more coffee,” he said, glancing back to the kitchen. “Is… everything alright?”

“Yeah, just unresolved sexual tension that finally managed to come to fruition.”

“Did you know you use stupid fancy words when you’re tired?” Changbin smiled a little, causing Chan to blink.

“I didn’t,” He chuckled a little. “Thanks for pointing that out.”

“Oh you’re back,” Seungmin came back, steaming mug in hand. “Everything okay with Jinnie and Lix?”

“Yeah, they’re all good,” Chan nodded. “I’m giving them some time to talk without anyone listening in, so for the love of god don’t bother them for a little bit. If this can solve one of the issues, we’re on the right track.”

“Hng, Chan?” Woojin grumbled, his eyes squinting and blurred from sleep.

“You can go back to sleep Wooj,” Chan said softly. “I can start making something for dinner.”

“Okay…”

“You want anything specific?”

“Food…”

“Alright, I think I can handle that.” Chan chuckled and grabbed a blanket to drape over his sleeping friends. Woojin smiled drozily as his eyes drifted shut again.

Sure, Chan was exhausted, but it seemed like maybe things would be okay soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This upcoming weekend is going to be exhausting so I'm writing as much now as I can lmao 
> 
> I saw someone mention about Jeongin, and kudos for you! It was kinda lowkey but you saw the signs. If a friend suddenly starts wearing long sleeves in warm weather or starts isolating themselves, check in with them. make sure they know they aren't alone.


	4. Chapter 4

The dinner table was silent, other than the sound of chewing, but it was different from the kind of silence that was drowning the boys before. There was still some tension, but at the same time everyone seemed a little more relaxed. It was like for the first time in days, the dorm had taken a deep breath.

Hyunjin and Felix sat next to each other, their chairs close enough that their shoulders were almost but not quite touching. They weren’t talking, but they were smiling and glancing at each other from the corners of their eyes. Woojin watched them with a small smile, noting how their lips were just faintly red.

Jeongin stuck close to the eldest, which while not completely unheard of, was slightly unusual. Woojin pretended not to notice the hurt look on Seungmin’s face when the maknae chose not to sit with the second youngest like he normally did.

Chan kept a close eye on the maknae, wondering how he was going to bring up what was weighing so heavily on his heart. Jeongin hurt himself, and somehow worse than that, Jeongin thought Chan was going to hit him for it. How could he live with himself knowing his youngest thought for even a second to be afraid of him?

Minho was barely touching his food. He had a far away look in his eye that made it obvious his mind wasn’t present at the dinner table. Changbin, Jisung and Seungmin ate well - the only three that seemed to be enjoying the meal at all.

“Hyung, can you pass that?” Jisung asked quietly, breaking Woojin from his thoughts.

“Sure. Here, give me your plate.” Woojin said, taking the plate from the younger and adding a decent sized helping.

“Thank you.” Jisung sounded tired. Woojin wondered if he was alright. After everything that’s been happening, it honestly wouldn’t surprise him if the younger rapper had some secret that was eating away at him, just like Woojin did.

“I’m done,” Jeongin said softly, standing. “Thank you for dinner. I’m going to go lay down for a little bit.”

“Innie,” Chan said suddenly, making the boy pause. “I’ll be in when I finished cleaning up, okay? I wanted to talk for a bit.”

Everyone saw Jeongin pale. He just nodded and turned away, but no one missed the fear in his eyes. The kitchen was washed in silence again, this time the tension was back. The members glanced at each other, almost willing someone else to say something to break the silence so they didn’t have to do it themselves.

“If you’re done eating, you should go to Jeongin,” Woojin said softly to his friend. “We can handle cleaning up.”

“But-”

“Make sure he’s okay.” Woojin smiled and Chan nodded, standing and rushing from the kitchen, leaving his plate on the table almost untouched.

“Can you guys go get some drinks?” Woojin said to the others, taking their attention away from the direction their leader just left in. “I’ll give you some money. I think after today we all deserve a little treat.”

“You sure hyung?” Changbin asked, looking a little uneasy.

“Yeah, if you want to get yourself some ice cream when you’re out too you can. Take your time too. I think Chan is going to take a little while with Innie.” He stood and pulled out his wallet, grabbing a handful of bills and handing it to Jisung, who was standing closest.

“We’ll be back before curfew!” He grinned, stuffing the money in his pocket and running to put his shoes on. It was rare that they had spending money and nothing to worry about. The others seemed to realize this, and chased after Jisung. Woojin watched them with a smile. After everything, they were still able to act like a bunch of teenagers, and it made him happy.

“You’re not going?” He noticed Minho hovering by the kitchen doorway.

“I… wanted to talk to you.” Minho didn’t meet his eyes. Woojin’s stomach dropped.

“Of course,” He said despite the pressure on his chest building. “Help me clear the table?”  
Minho nodded but didn’t verbally respond. He started gathering the dishes in silence, placing them on the counter for Woojin to load into the washing machine.

“Hyung, what did you mean earlier? The… sleeping around thing?” Minho sounded scared.

“When I was a trainee, they used to say I looked weird,” Woojin said without missing a beat. He continued to put the dishes on the washing racks, his back to the younger. “Compared me to all sorts of things. They’d ask me out as jokes and everything. I lost my virginity at fifteen, and afterwards I felt almost confident in myself for the first time in years. I flirted with whoever I could and let them use my body however they wanted to because it made me feel wanted, even if it left me bruised and limping and empty inside… Chan was actually the one that realized what I was doing after we-” Woojin froze, realizing what he implied.

“You and Chan hyung?” Minho asked quietly.

“It was only for a little bit,” Woojin muttered, ignoring the fluttering in his chest. “At the time, he was just some trainee that everyone knew of but I wasn’t friends with. He realized what I was trying to do and invited me out to coffee. We talked for hours and he asked if I wanted to spend the night again. I figured he wanted to fuck me again, but it turns out he wanted to talk more. We ended up talking until the sun rose… before we fell asleep he asked me to be part of this group he was trying to form. We… slept together after that, but he did it so I wouldn’t try to find others who wanted to hurt me.”

“But he only just found out about the… cutting part?”

“That… started after…”

“Is it bad if I can kinda relate to you?” Minho asked in a whisper. Woojin’s stomach rolled.

“Wh-which part?”

“The… not feeling good enough for real love, so you let yourself be fucked by anyone who’s willing to show you affection…”

“Minho-”

“I didn’t- I didn’t think it was a bad thing,” Minho sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “I thought it made me happy, but after hyung said it was a form of s-self harm I started thinking…”

“If you enjoy it, it’s not a bad thing. A lot of people find freedom in sex-”

“But I don’t feel free,” Minho interrupted. “I always feel used after and I hate it but the second I have the chance to do it again I do because I want to feel like I’m- I’m wanted. Like I’m desirable. If they can’t love me, at least I can make them feel good, right?”

“Min-”

“And… as long as it doesn’t affect my performance it’s fine, right? It doesn’t matter. They never leave bruises where anyone can see, and it only h-hurts for a few hours after-”

Woojin didn’t let Minho finish his sentence. He pulled the dancer into a tight hug. Minho stood frozen, not knowing how to feel as Woojin buried his face in his shoulder. Minho unfroze when he felt warmth soaking into his shirt.

“Hyung… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry…” He pet Woojin’s head, trying to comfort the elder.

“Idiot… you have to take care of yourself… you’re so amazing and talented and fuck- you don’t deserve this…”

“It’s fine hyung,” Minho somehow sounded calm all of a sudden. “I’m used to it.”

“No! You- you can’t be used to something like this,” Woojin’s head shot up, a sense of deja vu shaking him to his core. “This- this, fuck Minho you don’t deserve this.”

“Whatever you say hyung.” Minho continued to run his fingers through Woojin’s hair. The vocalist couldn’t stop shaking. How was Chan so good at this? He thought he was going to throw up. Minho - beautiful, funny, talented Minho - is hurting himself in the same way he used to, and no one knew. None of them knew.

Well, they knew, but not really. They knew Minho would slip from the dorms and return with a bit of a limp and finger shaped bruises around his slim waist, but they chalked it up to being a hormonal young adult who was constantly trapped in a dorm with eight other, equally as hormonal young men. No one blamed him for sneaking out and relieving those urges.

If they had known he wasn’t just doing it to relieve some stress…

“Were you ever going to tell anyone?” Woojin whispered.

“Probably not…”

“Minnie…”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know it was something that was, you know… bad…” Minho tried to keep his voice even but he couldn’t stop it from cracking.

“You… we can’t let you do this anymore,” Woojin whispered, holding Minho close. The younger boy buried his face in Woojin’s neck, his trembling breaths hitting the elder’s skin, as if Minho was trying to not shake. “We… we can work something else out because I know how hard it is to stop entirely but you can’t do this to yourself anymore.”

“How?” Minho laughed humorlessly. “How can we work something out? I’m- I’m fucked up hyung. I’m broken-”

“You are NOT broken,” Woojin pulled away only to see silent tears running down Minho’s face. “You are not broken… and you can come to me.”

“What?”

“If you feel that you deserve to be fucked and used,” Woojin wiped Minho’s tears from his cheeks with the pad of this thumb and offered the younger boy a small smile “I’d rather you come to me or one of the other members because… because we won’t hurt you, you know? Any one of us would be willing to take care of you if it meant you weren’t hurt anymore.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I’m not going to let you get hurt anymore,” Woojin said sternly. “Hyunjin and Felix might be off the table now, but we all love you. None of us want to see you… tearing yourself apart like that.”

“But what if-?”

“If this was me, would you let me go out and fuck anyone who’d give me attention even if I came home in pain?”

“Of course not!”

“How would you help me?”

“I’d....” Minho’s face softened. “I guess I’d do anything to keep you from getting hurt anymore…”

“We love you Minnie,” Woojin leaned in and kissed the younger boy’s forehead. “We want you to be happy, and safe. Promise me that before you leave for someone else, ask us. We’d do anything for you.”

“Thank you hyung.” Minho smiled again, tears splashing onto his shirt.

“We’ve all been crying so much,” Woojin chuckled a little, wiping his own eyes. “This is going to be a long weekend.”

“Two more days,” Minho laughed with him. “We’re gonna flood the dorm below us.”

“We should send an apology.”

“For the flooding or for having to deal with our bullshit at all hours of the day?”

“Both!” Minho laughed fully, his eyes turning up.

“Come with me,” Woojin said, taking Minho’s hand. “I have snacks hidden in my room, and if you promise not to tell the others you can have some.”

“My lips are sealed.” Minho mimed zipping his lips together, causing Woojin to grin.

“Come on then. Before the others come back.”

* * *

  
“Jeongin, I need to start by saying I promise I could never be mad at you,” Chan said softly. They were sitting on Chan’s bed, the maknae curling into himself. “The only way I could ever be mad at you is if you picked Minho to be your favorite hyung.”

His attempt at a joke worked. Jeongin’s mouth quirked up. The maknae scratched at the back of his hand gently and avoided looking at Chan. The small smile dropped before the blonde could continue his thought.

“Now, Woojin told me to talk to you.”

“I didn’t want him to tell anyone.” Jeongin muttered.

“I figured, but this isn’t something he could keep quiet about,” Chan said softly. “I’m all for confidential secret sharing, but this is something we need to talk about. All he said was that you thought I was going to h-hit you.” Chan swallowed around the voice crack.

“I thought the reason you hit Woojin hyung was cuz you were mad at him for hurting himself…”

“To be honest, I hit Woojin because he hit me so hard I slammed my head into a mirror,” Chan said, smiling briefly at the shock in Jeongin’s eyes as the youngest finally looked at him. “After he hit me, he broke down and I finally managed to talk to him.”

“How did you feel when you found out about Woojin hyung?” Jeongin pulled his knees closer to his chest.

“I was mad, but at myself,” Chan smiled sadly at his lap. “I was mad that I never noticed. You guys are my family, and I thought I would be able to notice the signs of things going badly but I didn’t. I saw him pushing me away and working harder, but I never noticed how he stopped taking his shirt off or showering with us or how he stopped eating… I should have noticed the second he started closing himself off but I didn’t. I was mad at myself for not being able to be there for him, not being able to stop him from spiraling. After I was done being mad at myself, I was determined. I wanted to get him to see himself the way I see him. He’s so strong, and talented and wonderful and handsome… and it’s a sin that he doesn’t think he’s amazing because he is.”

“Hyung, do you love Woojin hyung?” Jeongin asked suddenly, making Chan’s face flush.

“L-love?” He looked at the younger with wide eyes. “I mean, I love you all to a certain degree, but... I know that’s not what you meant… I- I’m not sure, if I’m being honest. But this isn’t about my nameless feelings for my friend. This is about you right now.”

“I don’t really want it to be about me anymore…”

“I know, but this is the main reason I asked for three days off. After Woojin, I realized there was so much I was missing and I need to make sure everyone’s being taken care of properly.”

“I don’t even know where to start honestly.” Jeongin looked over to the closed door. There was the sound of loud voices and the front door slamming before the dorm was silent again.

“You don’t have to, but could you show me your arm?” Chan asked gently, not wanting to startle the boy into clamming up again.

“You wanna see?” Jeongin frowned, holding his arm close to his chest.

“If you’re okay with it. If you really don’t want to, you don’t have to. We can just talk instead if you’d rather do that.”

“You won’t get grossed out?” Jeongin sounded small.

“Of course not.” Chan’s heart broke at how scared his friend looked as he rolled up the sleeve to his shirt. Chan hated how he felt a wave of relief at the sight that awaited him.  
Seeing the lines in Jeongin’s thin wrist felt like ice water being dumped on the blonde’s head, but at the same time they were light and shallow. Compared to Woojin’s leg, Jeongin’s arm wasn’t nearly as mutilated.

“They’re ugly, aren’t they?” Jeongin whispered, staring at his arm with disturbing seriousness, as if there was no life behind his dull eyes.

“No, they aren’t ugly,” Chan ran a thumb along the lines closest to the boy’s wrist. “They show that you were hurting but that you’re healing. You see how there are scars? It means your body took that pain and healed itself.”

“I mean, I guess.”

“When was the last time you cut?”

“Um… five days ago.” Jeongin’s other hand came up to brush against one of the longer lines that was slightly pinker than the rest.

“Did something happen?” Chan needed Jeongin to open up, but he was afraid he was going to ask the wrong things and overwhelm the boy. Jeongin bit his lip but didn’t try to pull his arm away from his friend.

“It’s stupid,” he frowned. “Everyone had finished their dinner and were all off doing their own things and at first I was happy to have some alone time, you know? But after like, fifteen minutes I felt so lonely. I wanted to find someone, but I didn’t want to bother anyone because we barely get any free time… it hurt but it made me feel less lonely.”

“What do you use?”

“Um…” Jeongin paled and pulled his arm back. He rolled his sleeve back down with shaking fingers. “The scissors from my pencil case…”

“After we finish this talk, you’re gonna give them to me, okay? I’ll hold onto them for you.”

“You aren’t angry?”

“Of course not Innie,” Chan pulled Jeongin into a hug, pressing the boy close to his chest. “I’m so proud of you for telling me. I know how hard it is to open up about things like this. You’re so strong and I love you so much.”

“I’m so stupid,” Jeongin started sobbing, holding onto Chan’s shirt as if his life depended on it. “I knew it was gonna get worse and it was a bad thing to do but it helped and I just- just felt so isolated and I hate that it helped because it shouldn’t help! How fucked up do I have to be to find h-hurting myself comforting for fuck’s sake?”

“Hey now, stop that,” Chan pulled Jeongin back just enough to wipe the boy’s cheeks. Jeongin leaned into Chan’s touch as tears continued to flow down his his face. “You’re not stupid. You’re human, and humans search for anything that might make them feel better. You aren’t stupid, you’re hurting.”

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” Jeongin covered his face with trembling hands and Chan could hear Woojin’s words echoing behind Jeongin’s in his head.

“You don’t have to do this alone anymore,” Chan whispered into Jeongin’s hair, rubbing the boy’s back to comfort him. “You have me and your other hyungs. We’d do anything for you baby.”

“And… I’m scared you guys are gonna hate because Woojin hyung is going through so much worse and I’m just taking attention away from him with my stupid mistakes.”

“Jeongin, you needing affection and help with something like this doesn’t take away from Woojin, and Woojin needing affection and help doesn’t take away from you. We love you both so much, and as your family we’re going do everything we can. If I’m with Woojin, you can find another hyung. They’d drop anything to help you.”

“You… you don’t think I’m just doing this for attention?” Jeongin said so quietly Chan almost didn’t hear him.

“Of course not baby,” Chan ran a hand through Jeongin’s hair. “No one think you’re just doing it for attention. We love you so, so much.”

“I’m sorry hyung,” Jeongin stuttered through his sobs. “Please don’t hate me.”

“Never Innie,” Chan held him closer. “I could never, ever hate you. I love you so much. So, so much.”

Chan rarely saw Jeongin cry, so seeing the boy breaking down in his arms made his heart shatter. He tried to convey all the love and support that he possibly could into the hug and poured it into Jeongin. He hoped the younger boy could feel the energy Chan was desperately trying to give to him.

Chan lost track of how long Jeongin cried, but when he finally calmed down his eyes were red and swollen and his breathing sounded wet. He continued to cling to Chan’s shirt, but the strength in his fingers seemed to drain out as he slumped against his leader’s chest.

“You wanna take a nap Innie?” Chan asked gently. Jeongin nodded slowly, his eyelids drooping shut. Chan kissed the top of Jeongin’s head and positioned the boy in the bed, making sure the covers were pulled up to his chin before silently turning the light out and leaving the room.

The dorm was oddly silent as he walked into the living room. He noticed that most of the shoes by the front door were missing, though his, Jeongin’s, Woojin’s and Minho’s were still there in a messy pile. He followed the sound of soft voices to the room Woojin, Changbin and Felix shared.

Chan pushed the door open and smiled as he saw Woojin and Minho grinning at each other, Minho resting his head in Woojin’s lap as they talked in whispers. There was a pile of candy wrappers by Woojin’s knee, but Chan was too happy to see his friends smiling to bother scolding them over the break in their diets.

He turned and went back to his room, where Jeongin was almost asleep on his pillow. He silently climbed in next to the boy and pulled him close to his chest, letting the youngest’s head rest on his chest. He felt Jeongin curl into his arms as the maknae’s body relaxed. Only when Chan knew he was completely asleep did he let himself close his eyes too.

* * *

  
“Do you think…?” Jisung whispered, trailing behind the others. Felix and Hyunjin were holding hands, quickly letting go when someone walked past and even more quickly taking them again when the person was gone. Seungmin was complaining loudly how Hyunjin got the last pack of the flavor of chips that the younger wanted, which got a tongue stuck out in his direction in retaliation. Changbin had trailed back with Jisung, watching the younger three play wrestle in the street.

“Think what Sunggie?”

“Nothing… it’s stupid.”

“You want to talk to Chan hyung, but you’re scared.” Changbin didn’t have to look to know Jisung was frowning. He could hear how Jisung’s hand tightened around the plastic shopping bag.

“It’s nothing.”

“Jisung, if you keep doing this to yourself, you’re gonna-”

“I’m gonna be fine,” Jisung said sharply, his voice cracking a little. “I- I’m fine. I’m not like Innie or Woojin hyung. I’m fine.”

“Well, my bed is always open for you,” Changbin’s chest hurt. He wanted to help his friend, but there was nothing he could do if Jisung wasn’t going to admit there was a problem, which he would rather never do. “But you know Chan hyung would know how to help, right? He’s gone through this too-”

“I told you… it’s different than what hyung has.” Jisung dug his thumb into the plastic of the bag, his nail tearing through it with ease. There was almost something cathartic about destroying the thin, weak plastic.

“I know, but maybe he’d know what could help-”

“They’re really not that bad.”

“I hear you crying, you know,” Changbin whispered sadly. “When you refuse to come to me. I know you’re trying to hide it, but I’d recognize the sound of your crying anywhere. Especially after that night.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a bother with this.” Jisung bit his lip. He refused to cry. Changbin moved to Jisung’s other side and took his empty hand.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Changbin said softly. “I’d do anything for you. Besides, you’re always helping me, yeah? It’s what friends do.”

“Love you hyung.”

“Love you too Jisung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who thought of a way to make it even sadder than originally planned? That's right! ME!
> 
> So I was going to post this thursday night, but I ended up winning two tickets to sEE RAVI LIVE IN JERSEY CITY so obviously I dropped everything and planned for a last second concert. My sister and I went so all day Friday was spent out at the concert which was BEYOND AMAZING I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TALK ABOUT IT. If anyone wants to see the post I made on Insta my account is Starlight1395 lmao but yeah Friday was unbelivably amazing and I'm still in shock that we were able to g and get hi touch with R A V I
> 
> Anyway, this fic is gonna be waaay longer than I planned. I'm thinking two more chapters to get through the weekend, then two chapters for things to stew before the final chapter, but that's a rough estimate. If anyone has any suggestions or guesses on what's going to happen, please let me know!! I love seeing what everyone thinks it's happening. Theories on who's going through what or connecting things from previous chapters haha


	5. Chapter 5

Changbin laid awake, listening closely. The room was filled with new sounds and it was making it hard for him to fall asleep. He knew his members by their breathing at this point, but he was so used to just Woojin and Felix that hearing Minho’s steady, soft breaths threw him for a loop.

When they had gotten back, Minho and Woojin were already cuddling in the elder’s bed, the dancer fast asleep and Woojin close behind. Jeongin was in with Chan, which meant Jisung was alone in his room. That didn’t sit well with Changbin one bit.

The last time Jisung had been alone….

Changbin rubbed his eyes, trying to get the image of the boy’s horrified, tear stained face out from his mind.

Changbin sighed and rolled out of bed, careful not to disturb anyone in the room - not that he would have been able to. He was the lightest sleeper out of the nine, and even then it wasn’t easy to wake him.

He paused outside of Jisung’s room and listened. He felt his worry start to vanish when he didn’t hear anything. Just as he was about to walk to the kitchen to grab some water, there was a faint whimper. Any peace Changbin felt was instantly gone. He didn’t bother knocking as he carefully opened the door and snuck in.

The lamps weren’t on, but he could faintly see Jisung’s bed from the faint light coming in through the window. Instead of a sleeping rapper, there was a bundle curled up into the corner of the mattress, as if trying to disappear.

“Jisung….” Changbin whispered, crawling onto the bed. Jisung curled tighter into himself, sobbing.  
Changbin knew about Jisung’s nightmares. It had started as once or twice a month, then got worse until the younger boy was up almost every night with horrific dreams that left him gasping for breath. It had gotten to the point where he tried to sleep as little as possible, which left him exhausted and withdrawn. Changbin tried to get Jisung to talk to Chan - their leader who had his own experiences with insomnia and could hopefully help - but Jisung refused. He said it was different. Chan wanted to sleep but couldn’t. Jisung could sleep but wouldn’t.

“Hyung it’s so bad…” Jisung whimpered, and Changbin realized he must have been crying for a while seeing how stuffy his voice sounded.

“Let me see you.” Changbin said. He was almost afraid of what he was going to see. Jisung shifted and after a few moments poked his head out. Changbin felt his stomach drop. Just like that night, there were red lines running down Jisung’s face from where the boy had clawed at his cheeks.

“I’m sorry hyung,” Jisung sniffled. “I know I promised I’d come get you but- but I was so tired I thought I would be fine…”

“What happened in your dream Sungie?” Changbin whispered, pulling the smaller rapper onto his lap. Jisung instantly snuggled into his arms, burying his face in Changbin’s chest.

“It was so bad.”

“Was it as bad at… that night?” Changbin hesitated to bring it up. It still haunted him, how scared Jisung sounded as he told his friend about his dream - the dream where he killed all his friends and laughed about it.

“I kept hurting everyone and I- I liked it,” Jisung cried. Changbin flinched. This was always the dream that hurt Jisung the most. Sometimes they were about monsters in the closet, or about getting hurt onstage or other normal nightmares, but sometimes they were scarring and left the boy pale for days. “You were the worst… you kept begging me to stop but I just laughed and- and started drawing on you with a knife and you kept screaming and begging and I-”

Jisung couldn’t finish. He lurched forward and threw up on the covers. Changbin wasn’t sure if it was lucky or not that Jisung managed to throw up directly on his sweatpants. Jisung started crying harder and apologizing, but Changbin just shushed him.

The elder carefully slipped out of his pants and folded them so nothing leaked out before grabbing one of the plastic bags Jisung hoarded under his desk to shove them in. He’d clean them in the morning.

“Come on Sungie, let’s go take a shower, yeah?” The warm water will make you feel better then we can go to sleep.”

“I don’t want to sleep.”

“I know love, but you have to. You’ll feel better if you aren’t exhausted.”

“I’m scared hyung…”

“I know, come on baby. Hyung will take care of you.” Changbin’s heart broke at how small Jisung looked. He guided the boy into the bathroom, turning the water on so the heat would kick in as he carefully pulled Jisung’s sleep clothes off. He piled them with his own in the corner so they wouldn’t get wet before checking the water again. At this time of night, there shouldn’t be anyone else using the hot water so they should have a decent amount.

He pulled Jisung into the shower, frowning at the red marks on his arms. Jisung must have clawed at his skin again. Thankfully, there was no blood, but Changbin knew it was going to bruise pretty badly for a few days. How no one called him out, the elder would never know. He guessed because he already knew, it was more obvious to Changbin.

Jisung rested his weight on Changbin, letting the water hit his back as his cheek rested on his friend’s bare shoulder. Changbin couldn’t tell if it was tears or water from the shower running down his chest, so he didn’t say anything. He took a little bit of shampoo and rubbed it through Jisung’s hair. His hair wasn’t dirty seeing how Jisung had showered after they got home from practice, but Changbin knew running his fingers through the boy’s locks would relax him. Jisung did just that, and leaned more on Changbin for support.

Changbin carefully rinsed Jisung’s hair before letting him rest on his shoulder again. He started rubbing the younger’s back, working with the hot water to massage the tension from Jisung’s shoulders. By the time the water started to cool, their fingers were starting to prune and Jisung was falling asleep where he stood.

“Come on baby, let’s get dressed and go lay down okay?” Changbin asked softly, gently rubbing Jisung’s head with the towel. Jisung leaned into the touch, smiling a little as he hummed contently. Jisung slipped his pajamas back on and followed Changbin back to the bedroom. The older rapper patted the bed, gesturing for him to sit so he could dry his hair a little better.

“Thank you hyung.” Jisung whispered, eyes closed.

“Of course Sungie,” Changbin tried not to let his frown show in his words. His movements slowed as he ran his fingers through Jisung’s damp hair to make it look a little neater.

“Do you want me to stay here tonight? We don’t have schedules till Monday so we can sleep in, though Chan hyung will probably get us up to eat at some point.”

“I’m scared to go back to sleep.” Jisung whimpered, hugging his body tightly.

“It’s alright love,” Changbin pulled Jisung down, resting the younger’s head on his chest and wrapping his arms around the younger’s waist. “If you have another nightmare, I’ll be right here for you.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a burden,” Jisung said quietly, his eyes already slipping shut. “I know you’re dealing with your own bullshit and I feel bad making you worry about me all the time.”

“Hey now, don’t think like that,” Changbin hummed, pulling Jisung closer. “I’m glad I’m able to help you.”

“Have you been… okay?”

“Yeah, actually,” Changbin placed a soft kiss to Jisung’s forehead. “Thanks for checking in on me Sungie.”

“… if I talk to Channie hyung, will you do it too?” Jisung’s words were almost silent.

“What?” Changbin felt his blood run cold.

“If… if I talk to him, will you talk to him too? I worry about you a lot, and if this weekend is supposed to be for us to talk about shit and get help… this is the best chance to open up, yeah?”

“I-”

“And… and I don’t think Chan hyung would get mad at us… I think he’d be proud of us if we talked about this shit.”

“I never thought you’d want to talk to anyone about it, let alone Chan hyung.”

“I don’t think I can do it alone,” Jisung snuggled his face farther into Changbin’s chest. His fingers tugged at the elder rapper’s shirt. “But if we we both go to talk to him…”

“Alright baby, I’ll go with you,” Changbin felt his stomach drop. No one - no one but Jisung alone - knew about what was going on in his head and that scared him. Scared him that even a single person knew, and scared him that soon another person was going to know as well. “But for now, let’s sleep. We can pull him aside after breakfast.”

“Love you hyung.” Jisung muttered as he drifted off to sleep, his weight pressing down more on Changbin as his breathing settled.

“You’re lucky I love you.” Changbin sighed and closed his eyes, already feeling anxious about their deal. Morning was going to be exhausting, wasn’t it?”

* * *

  
Woojin woke up and groaned. He tried to roll over, but he was pinned down. He tried to think of who might be sleeping on top of him, but it wasn’t until he heard Minho’s familiar whistling breathing. He took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around Minho’s waist, pulling the boy closer.

“Hng, hyung?” Minho muttered, turning over in Woojin’s arms and burying his face in the older boy’s chest.

“Morning Minnie.” Woojin said, his voice low from sleep.

“I’m hungry…”

“Wanna go get breakfast?”

“Don’t wanna get up…”

“You’re gonna have to get up if you want breakfast.” Woojin chuckled, his laughter vibrating through his chest into Minho’s. The younger boy groaned and Woojin could feel his pout through his shirt.

“Nevermind then.” Minho muttered, blindly pulling the blanket over his head.

Woojin smiled and let Minho’s breathing level out again. He could hear the others moving around, and he knew they were going to burst in any minute to wake them up but for the moment the eldest was content to hold his friend and rest his eyes.

True to his prediction, the door swung open after a few minutes. Jisung came bouncing in, smiling despite the black bruises under his eyes.

“Hyungs! Wake up! Breakfast time!” He sat heavily on the bed, making the two bounce.

“Don’t wanna get up.” Minho scowled, glancing up at Jisung.

“Too bad,” Jisung leaned down and pressed a kiss to the tip of Minho’s nose. “This bitch wants to eat and Chan hyung won’t let us until everyone is up.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Minho groaned and rolled off Woojin’s chest, taking a moment before sitting up.

“Is everyone up already?” Woojin asked through a yawn.

“Uh, I think Innie is the only one still asleep,” Jisung said, his voice lowering. “Channie hyung told us to let him sleep as long as possible. He’s probably going to get him now though.”

“How’s he doing?” Minho looked more awake.

“I don’t know,” Jisung sat on the edge of the bed. “He and hyung were already asleep by the time we got back. But he was sleeping okay so I guess that’s a good sign.”

“I’m worried about him.” Minho sighed, leaning on Woojin’s shoulder.

“We all are.” Woojin frowned, thinking back to how tight his chest felt when Jeongin finally opened up to him.

“Hyung?” Jisung looked up at the eldest with wide eyes.

“Yeah?’

“Carry me?” Jisung stuck his lip out, letting his eyes somehow grow even wider. Woojin smiled and shook his head a little before kneeling in front of the bed. Jisung cheered and clambered on, wrapping his arms around Woojin’s neck as he held onto the boy’s thighs. Jisung grinned as the three walked out of the bedroom towards the kitchen.

Seungmin and Changbin were sitting on the couch, waiting for everyone to wake up. Felix and Hyunjin were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and sipping at their mugs. Just as Jisung slid off Woojin’s back, Chan and Jeongin came into the kitchen. The maknae looked tired but the bags under his eyes didn’t seem as dark as usual.

“Morning everyone,” Chan said with a smile. “Breakfast is almost ready. I just have to dish it up.”

“How long have you been awake?” Minho yawned again, shuffling towards the coffee machine. “When did you have time to do all this?

“Sungie and Binnie cooked today,” Chan said easily. Woojin felt Jisung tense a little but didn’t say anything. “They were up before me.”

“How much sleep did you manage to get?” Woojin asked, knowing how late everyone came home.

“Ah don’t worry hyung I got plenty.” Jisung smiled but Woojin heard Changbin scoff quietly from the other side of the table. Woojin frowned a little and glanced at Jisung, who had turned away and was telling Jeongin some story from when he was studying abroad. The boy’s face lit up as he talked, but Woojin noticed how tense his shoulders were and how dull his eyes seemed to be. Woojin frowned harder.

“Does everyone have something to eat?” Chan asked, looking around with a tired smile. When he saw everyone nodded he finally sat and picked up his chopsticks. Everyone dug in, chatting and eating their fill.

Woojin didn’t realize how hungry he was until he started eating. It wasn’t until he was almost done with his second bowl that he realized Chan had barely touched his meal at all. He was too busy talking to Minho, chatting about choreography Minho was thinking about using some point in the next comeback.

He watched as Chan lifted a bite to his mouth, pause to laugh and put the bite back down again. Woojin frowned again.

“Chan, can you come help me with something?” Woojin asked, standing abruptly. Chan looked at him questioningly but put his chopsticks down and followed him from the kitchen. Woojin didn’t stop until they were in his room and the door behind them was closed.

“So what’s up Jinnie?” Chan asked, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He didn’t look Woojin in the eye.

“I’m worried about you.” Woojin said softly, making Chan freeze.

“Ah there’s nothing to worry about,” Chan chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. “Is everything alright with you? I actually wanted to check on your leg and change the bandage and-”

“You’re not eating.”

“What?” Chan blinked.

“You aren’t eating. You haven’t been eating. I didn’t really notice until just now but you’ve been doing it for a while and I can’t believe I didn’t notice.” Woojin blinked back tears. It wasn’t the time to cry.

“You know I don’t get hungry when I’m stressed,” Chan smiled easily, his whole body relaxing. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Okay, then we can go back out there and you can finish your breakfast. We’re free all weekend so you can relax and eat up.”

“No can do.” Was Chan… sweating?

“Why not?”  
“Ah, you not I’m not that hungry in the morning.” Chan wouldn’t look Woojin in the eye.

“It’s almost noon.”

“Um…”

“Chris… are you purposely not eating?”

“Wh-what?” Chan looked at his friend, his eyes wide. Woojin could see he was trying not to panic, which just confirmed his fears.

“How long?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Chan’s voice shook a little.

“How long have you been doing this to yourself?”

“I really don’t know what you mean.” Chan’s hands were shaking.

“Are you starving yourself?”

“No!” Chan yelped, putting his hands up. “I’m not starving! I don’t- I don’t have an eating disorder I swear! I’m just… making sure I don’t gain any weight. I’ve been working on gaining muscle, and- and I have to stay in shape because- because everyone looks up to me and I have to be perfect or else-”

“Or else what?”

“Or else I won’t be good enough…” Chan’s voice dropped. He hugged his arms close to is body and turned away from Woojin.

“How long?”

“Three months into training?” Chan chuckled awkwardly. “It’s fine though. I still eat enough that I don’t pass out and I’ve been gaining muscle mass. It’s not enough to put me in any danger.”

“Eating disorders aren’t just physical Chan,” Woojin didn’t know how he wasn’t crying. It felt like his entire brain was shutting down. Smart, caring, talented, loving Chan was hurting. Not in the same way he was, but in a just as painful way. “They’re a mindset. It’s… it’s how you view yourself and if you think you need to lose weight or need to- to restrict your food, then that’s a problem because you’re perfect!”

“I’m not perfect Woojin,” Chan chuckled, but it was dry and humorless. His hands crept up to tug at his bangs. “I’m such a fucking mess. My family is falling apart because I wasn’t a good enough leader. I’m trying to control something in my life and even that’s not working because I have no self control and I need control or else I’m going to absolutely unravel into a pile of tangled yarn and no one will ever be able to untangle me again because it’s too much work-”

Woojin rushed forward and kissed Chan, cutting off the rest of his ramble. He held Chan’s waist, tilting his head to kiss his friend deeper. Chan’s hands came up to wrap around his neck and for the first time Woojin’s brain was silent except for the love echoing through his mind. No voice screaming how stupid and worthless and pathetic he was. No insults being thrown around about how unlovable he acted. Just Chan.

When Woojin pulled back, his cheeks were bright red and he felt a little light headed. He smiled at Chan, who blinked at him. The rapper’s cheeks were somehow even redder than his were, his eyes wide and glassy.

“Woojin-”

“You don’t have to do this alone Chan,” Woojin whispered, taking the other boy’s hands, lacing their fingers together. “You don’t have to to anything alone anymore.”

“It sucks Jinnie,” Chan whispered, tears finally falling. “It sucks and I feel so trapped and I want to scream but I can’t because I have to hold my shit together for you guys.”

“I know you don’t want the others to know, but you have to come to me, okay?” Woojin’s thumb rubbed the back of Chan’s hand comfortingly.

“I’m fine, I promise.” Chan pulled his hand from Woojin’s and wiped his face with a trembling smile.

“It’s okay to not be okay.” Woojin whispered, pulling Chan into his chest. Chan hesitated for a moment before sobbing into Woojin’s shirt. He rubbed his friend’s back, pressing comforting kisses to his forehead as he finally let all his emotions out.

“Hyung? Is everything alright?” A knock came from the door.

“Oh god-” Chan panicked, scrubbing at his face. “Everything’s fine Innie! We’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you… crying?” Jeongin opened the door an inch.

“N-no! Everything is A okay.” Chan said quickly, his voice cracking from how hard he was trying to keep a light tone.

“It’s alright,” Jeongin entered the room and closed the door firmly behind him. He took one look at Chan’s tear streaked face and smiled softly. “You’re gonna be alright hyung.”

“I’m fine Innie.” Chan said, trying to wipe his face. Jeongin’s soft smile softened even more as he walked up to his leader, wrapping his arms around the elder’s waist. He rested his head on Chan’s shoulder.

“We got your back.” He said gently. Chan hiccuped a little before bursting into tears again. Woojin felt his heart break over and over. How much pain had his friend been hiding from them? He’s been feeling this way about himself for years, and no one noticed. He moved in and pulled both Chan and Jeongin into an embrace of his own.

“We’re not alone.” He whispered, placing a kiss to Chan’s shoulder. Chan’s sobs started to quiet as he let his friends comfort him for the first time. After a few minutes, he pulled back and took a trembling sigh.

“Thanks guys,” He whispered, his voice thick with tears. “Sorry for breaking down like this…”

“You don’t have to apologize hyung.” Jeongin said, taking Chan’s hand.

“As long as you’re alright.” Woojin took his other.

“I love you guys,” Chan blinked a few times, the last tear running down his cheek. “Um, Innie, can you go tell everyone we’ll be out in a few minutes?”

“Is everything alright?” Jeongin looked worried again.

“Yeah, I just wanted to check Woojin’s leg.” Chan didn’t have to elaborate anymore. Jeongin knew what he meant and nodded. He placed a quick kiss to Chan’s cheek before leaving the room.

“You were serious about that…” Woojin trailed off, feeling a little sick to his stomach. It was bad enough that Chan saw the mess once, and it always looked worse the day or two after because of the bruising.

“I just want to make sure it’s healing right,” Chan smiled comfortingly. How could be he comforting Woojin when he was just breaking down a few minutes before. “Besides, it’ll only take a little bit.”

“Alright…” Woojin followed Chan to the bathroom, which was thankfully open. Chan locked the door behind him, much to Woojin’s relief, and pulled out the first aid kit. Woojin slipped his sweatpants down to his knee and pulled his boxers up so the skin of his thigh was on display.

The thick white bandages that Chan had put on the day before were stained a dark brown. Chan grimaced at the sight of the dried blood but didn’t say anything as he carefully peeled off the tape. He wrapped the bandage in toilet paper before throwing it out.

“The bleeding stopped.” Chan said softly as he looked at the marred expanse of tanned skin. When he had first seen the sheer number of white to pink to puckered red lines that covered Woojin’s thigh, he thought he was going to pass out. He could almost feel the phantom pain his friend must have experienced as he gently ran a towel over the wounds. Now, the bleeding had stopped, leaving angry red lines that had yellowing bruising behind it. Woojin had explained that it was normal, but it still scared him.

“Thanks for doing this for me.” Woojin whispered, refusing to meet Chan’s eye.

“Of course,” Chan smiled, gently taping a new bandage over the cuts. “I’d do anything for you.”

“Anything?”

“Anything in the world.”

“Could you… kiss me again?” Woojin looked away. Despite the weight crushing down on him, the look on Chan’s face made his cheeks heat up.

“If that’s what you want…”

“Please?” Woojin looked up in time for Chan to meet his eyes. Within seconds, Chan was closing the gap between them. Somehow, even though they’ve kissed before this was so much better, Chan kneeling between Woojin’s legs, the vocalist cupping his leader’s face gently as their lips slotted together perfectly.

Woojin hummed happily, smiling against Chan’s lips.

Things were going to get rough, especially in the next few hours, but in that moment Woojin was content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life update for anyone who doesn't follow me on twitter~ I got to see stray kids?? I was able to meet up with one of my favorite twitter moots and she just happened to have an extra ticket?? They were amazing live and Chris almost made me cry and I DIDNT EVEN GET AN APOLOGY FOR ALMOST MAKING ME CRY
> 
> Anyway, This is going on way longer than I though but I try to cut the chapters off around 7 pages so this three day weekend is ending up being more than the single chapter that I planned it being lmao Don't worry though once this section is past I have a plot to get back on track and then wrap up eventually. I'm not even going to give an estimate cuz I'm genuinely so lost lmao
> 
> also im a little wine drunk so I hope my editing and spacing is oaky because I'm a lazy asshole and will never go back to edit it


	6. Chapter 6

“We cleaned up breakfast.” Minho said as Woojin and Chan joined them in the living room. 

“Ah, thanks Minnie.” Chan smiled. Woojin noticed how his face was still a little puffy, but when no one said anything, he noticed how his leader relaxed. 

“So what’s the plan for today?” Jisung asked from the couch. He and Changbin were sitting next to each other, a large mug of coffee in the younger rapper’s hand. 

“Well, there’s more that needs to be talked about but honestly I’m exhausted and I don’t want to do anything right now.”

“So… can we watch my drama?” Jisung perked up, his eyes sparkling.

“The chinese one?” Hyunjin chimed in.

“Yeah! It’s my favorite!” 

“You know what? That sounds perfect,” Chan smiled. “We can get some snacks and set up the living room and watch until dinner?” 

“Fuck yeah!” Jisung cheered, reaching for the remote. Chan chuckled at his enthusiasm and started to push the table out of the way. It had been a while since they had turned the living room into a nest for a movie night, and Chan felt it was overdue. 

“I’ll help.” Felix jumped up and picked up half the table so Chan didn’t have to slide it across the floor. They set it off to the side as Jeongin and Seungmin went to gather some blankets. Jisung brought up the drama and Chan couldn’t help but roll his eyes a little and smile. The loading screen was very pink and the preview seemed cheesy, but Jisung was excited and he wasn’t going to dampen the boy’s day.

Seungmin came back first with comforters and pillows piled so high he could barely see. Chan looked back but saw Jeongin in the hall, gesturing for him to come over.

“What’s up?” 

“I found this in Woojin hyung’s pillow case,” He said quietly. “It fell out onto the bed when I picked it up. I don’t think Seungmin hyung saw but…”

“Oh…” Chan felt his stomach drop as Jeongin placed something small in his hand. It was thin and wrapped in tissues, and Chan instantly knew what it was. “Jeongin-”

“Is it bad that I wanted to keep it?” The youngest asked, fidgeting. “I- I don’t know where he got a blade like that, but I really… wanted to keep it.”

Chan unravel the blade and felt his stomach lurch. No wonder the cuts on Woojin’s leg were so deep - the blade was large and sharp. It looked like the kind from a boxcutter, which definitely raised questions about how the eldest managed to get his hands on such a dangerous object. Either he stole it, or had a whole pack hidden somewhere…

“I’m proud of you Innie,” Chan whispered, rewrapping the blade. “It must have been tough to fight the urge.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you apologizing?” Chan’s ears were ringing a little. 

“I shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t want to hurt myself…”

“You’re going to be okay baby,” Chan slipped the blade into his hoodie pocket before pulling Jeongin into a hug. “If you want, we can go talk or lay down or something just the two of us-”

“No, it’s okay. I wanna watch the show with everyone.” Jeongin sniffled and smiled gently. 

“Love you Innie,” Chan kissed his forehead and took his hand. “Come on let’s go back to the other. Felix won’t let Jisung start until everyone is together.”

“Alright hyung.” Jeongin smiled and tugged Chan’s hand. 

“There you guys are! We were gonna start without you.” Jisung started the first episode before Chan even sat completely on the couch. The theme song started and Chan found himself instantly hooked. The song was light and fun, and the characters seemed lovable.

“Woojin, Innie found something in your pillow,” He whispered into Woojin’s ear. The older boy froze, his face instantly paling. “It’s alright baby. We can get rid of it together, okay?”

Woojin didn’t say anything. Chan could feel how tense he was, almost to the point of shaking. His eyes were trained on the television, but it was clear he wasn’t seeing anything that was happening. 

The main girl ran away from her wedding and bumped into some idol who was running from his father’s wedding. Chan thought it was cute, how the actors were so expressive. The idol wasn’t very convincing as an idol - seeing how it was actual idols watching - but he was cute. Not as cute as Woojin, but cute nonetheless.

Chan reached over and took Woojin’s hand under the blanket that had been thrown over their laps. Woojin jumped but Chan felt the other boy’s fingers hold onto his. Chan smiled and leaned into Woojin’s side, resting his head on the vocalist’s shoulder. The drama kept going, Jisung bouncing and trying not to talk over it in his excitement. He was going on and on about how the show would play with drama troupes, and now ‘no, they aren’t just being over the top it’s purposeful- stop laughing at me!’  

“Thank you,” Woojin whispered as the fourth episode starting autoplaying. “For not… you know. Getting mad… and for this.” He held Chan’s hand tighter. 

“I’d do anything for you,” Chan whispered back, rubbing the back of Woojin’s hand with his thumb. No one seemed to notice their almost silent conversation. “You’re really important to me. You all are.”

“I like you too Chan,” Woojin chuckled and Chan’s face lit up. He knew what Chan was trying to say, and it made his chest flutter knowing he made the other boy just as flustered as Chan made him. “And… yeah, we can get rid of it later. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“Anything for you.” Chan lifted their hands and kissed the back of Woojin’s. 

“Cute.” Changbin whispered from Chan’s other side. Both Chan and Woojin jumped, glancing over to their friend who wasn’t actually looking at them. Changbin’s eyes were glued to the show, his hands playing with Jisung’s hair. The younger boy was sitting with his back against the couch, resting his head on Changbin’s thigh. 

“You-”

“Just watch the show hyung.” Changbin smirked, not taking his attention away from what was happening on the screen. 

Chan blinked at his friend, smiling when Woojin chuckled 

* * *

“Oh my god he’s so cute…” Minho pouted at the show.

“Hyung, he’s the asshole bully!” Seungmin pouted back.

“He’s just misunderstood,” Minho fought, crossing his arms. “Look at that face. How can he be a bad guy when he’s that’s pretty?”

“You can’t really use that argument if they’re all pretty.” Hyunjin deadpanned. 

“Okay, but he’s extra pretty.”

“In hyung’s defense, he does become a good character by the end.” Jisung relented. He had been trying to keep himself from spoiling the show for the last four hours but it was so hard because he loved the show so much. 

“Okay, break time,” Chan paused the show and stood, his body cracking from sitting in one position for so long. “I’m going to pee.” He looked to Woojin, who followed him towards the bathroom, leaving the other seven boys behind.

“I feel like we’re wasting time,” Minho sighed. “I’m so happy to have time off but at the same time I’m getting antsy. We haven’t had three full days off to do nothing in forever. I feel like we should be doing something at least.”

“Yeah, I almost feel guilty for sitting around.” Seungmin laughed a little. 

“Maybe hyung will let us go to the studio to run through the dance a few times, just so we don’t feel so gross sitting around.” Felix suggested.

“Why can’t we just enjoy time off?” Hyunjin lamented, draping his arm over Felix’s shoulders. The smaller boy curled into Hyunjin’s side, fitting into his arms perfectly. 

“Because we use practice and schedules to distract ourselves from our demons.” Jeongin said quietly, causing everyone to fall silent. 

“I mean, yeah but you didn’t have to call me out like that.” Jisung laughed, but he was visibly tense. 

“I’m gonna get more drinks,” Changbin stood suddenly. “Anyone want anything?” 

 

“I’m really proud of you.” Chan said, taking Woojin’s hand. Woojin was shaking, but his chest felt lighter. The water of the toilet was still swirling, the little sliver of silver gone down the pipe. 

“I…”

“Woojin, seriously,” Chan turned to Woojin and cupped his cheek. “You’re doing so amazing and I’m so proud of you.” 

“I have more… in the room.” Woojin couldn’t meet Chan’s comforting gaze. 

“Let’s go get them then. We can get rid of those too.” 

“But-”

“Come on love, we can do this together.” 

“Can we do it later? I don’t want the others to ask why we’re gone for so long.”

“What, afraid they’re gonna tease us? Minho is already wiggling his eyebrows at me any time he looks at me.” 

“I may or may not have slipped that we used to sleep together…” Woojin blushed. It had been years since he and Chan had done anything, the kisses from the night before the most they had done since before debut. 

“No wonder,” Chan chuckled. “Jeongin guessed that I had feelings for you too, so I guess there’s no point in trying to keep this quiet.”

“I mean, Lix and Jinnie aren’t exactly keeping anything quiet either.” Woojin cracked a grin. 

“I’m just glad they aren’t snapping at each other every two seconds anymore,” Chan shook his head a little. “If I had known from the start it was because they had a crush on each other, I would have locked them in a room together weeks ago.”

“At least they’re happy now.” 

“I hope they are…” Chan’s smile faded.

“What do you mean?” 

“Look us at Wooj. We’re a mess. We’re a bunch of kids with more problems than a math textbook and no way to get help because of our jobs. Sure, there’s the company therapists but I… I don’t really know if I trust them. They report back to JYP. If they hear we’re- we’re cutting and starving and suicidal and- well, who knows what they would do? They might try to put us on hiatus until we can settle shit and shove us in a mental hospital, or they might disband us entirely. I can’t- I can’t lose you guys. You’re my everything.”

“You’re not going to lose us,” Woojin pulled Chan into his chest. “We’re never, ever going to leave you behind. No matter than happens, we’re nine or nothing remember? We’ll always have each other’s backs, no matter what.”

“I’m just so scared that I’m going to be too late and something bad is going to happen to one of you because I wasn’t there.” 

“It’s almost dinner, yeah? Why don’t we eat something yummy and keep watching Sungie’s show and tomorrow we can sit down and talk everything out. We tell everyone everything so we’re all up to speed and we can work through things then. Figure out ways to help each other. Make sure no one overworks themselves or forgets to eat.”

“Yeah, hypothetically that sounds like a good plan, but realistically? Are they going to be comfortable laying everything out in the open like that?” Chan felt exhausted.

“If we explain to them your fears about the company, I’m sure they’d be willing to work with us. While I’m pretty damn sure JYP wouldn’t try to break us apart, you’re right. There is a slight chance they might put us on hiatus and send us off somewhere. We need to help each other before things get any worse.”

“Thank you,” Chan rested his lips on Woojin’s neck, not kissing him but finding comfort in the closeness. “For everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me Chan,” Woojin moved Chan’s head gently and kissed the slightly smaller boy. “I’d do anything for you.”

“We should go back out, shouldn’t we?”

“They can survive a couple more minutes without us.” Woojin smiled as he leaned back in, kissing Chan softly.

* * *

Woojin was lying awake, his skin on fire. He didn’t know why they had set rooms when everyone moved around anyway - Hyunjin snuck into Felix’s bed and Seungmin was in with Jeongin. The room was almost too silent. Minho hadn’t come to bed yet, and Woojin was alone. He was always alone. His skin itched and burned and screamed. 

Chan had taken his razors, but he missed one - just one, that Woojin took extra time to hide just in case the others were found. He knew he shouldn’t use it, but he wanted to. His body was screaming at him to use it, and that scared him. He hadn’t wanted to admit to having an addiction, but that’s exactly what this was. 

A cold shiver ran down his body as he threw his blanket off. He made his way over to his closet and pulled out an old pair of sneakers that he used to wear to the gym. He had made a slit in the rubber sole, just large enough to slip a small blade that he had taken from a broken pencil sharpener. It wouldn’t glide through his skin the way the larger blades did - wouldn’t made his blood drip down his tanned skin quite as much as he would have likes - but it would would still hurt and that’s all he needed. 

He slipped his sleep shorts off and sat on the edge of his bed. Ripping off the careful bandage Chan had taped on, Woojin held the blade on his skin, pressing down enough to feel how sharp it was but not enough to break the skin. Yet. 

His common sense screamed at him to stop. Chan would find out sooner rather than later, and Woojin didn’t know if he’d be able to handle hurting the other. He was fine hurting himself, but seeing the pain in Chan’s eyes was too much. His fingers shook as he lifted the blade away.

But he needed it. The pressure on his chest was growing with every breath he took and he thought he was going to throw up blood if the weight didn’t lessen. He knew it would help, just a few cuts and he would be able to breathe and sleep and he would be FINE. He pressed the blade to his scarred skin again. 

But he couldn’t. He pulled the blade away.

But he had to. Tears splashed on his leg, catching on the raised lines from the last time he gave in. God he needed it. He was going to scream if he didn’t tear into his skin and let his shame and pain and fear run down his leg-

“Hyung?” A voice came from the door. Woojin didn’t look up. The door closed and there were fingers on his hand, taking the blade away. “Can you hear me?”

“Minho… I figured you were going to sleep with someone else tonight.” His voice was oddly calm, as if his friend hadn’t just walked in on him about to cut himself. 

“I… I’m sorry,” Minho whispered, placing the blade on the bedside table. “I shouldn’t have come to bother you but I guess I’m glad I did…”

“You’re never a bother.”

“You looked like you were going to throw up…”

“I think I might, honestly,” Now that the temptation was gone, the pressure seemed to double. Woojin saw his vision blur as his breathing started to increase. God, this was the worst possible time to have a panic attack. “M-minho-”

“It’s alright hyung, I’m here.” Minho whispered. He did the only thing he could think of. He leaned up and kissed Woojin, his lips pressing lightly against the elder’s. Woojin didn’t register the kiss at first, until he tried to take a breath and felt Minho’s tongue against his own. 

“Min…” Woojin pulled back, a string of saliva connecting their mouths. 

“You need a distraction,” Minho whispered, moving to straddle the older boy. “And… and you told me to come to you if I ever felt that way again…”

“Oh Minnie I’m so sorry…” Woojin understood exactly what the dancer meant. 

“We can distract each other.” Minho whispered into Woojin’s mouth. Woojin only hesitated a moment before closing the gap between them. He knew if they were going to do this, at least one of them should be stable, but Minho was right. Woojin needed a distraction to keep himself from finding that blade and ripping his skin apart again. 

Minho wrapped his arms around Woojin’s neck, letting his fingers run through the older boy’s hair. He tugged gently, causing Woojin to grunt into their kiss. Woojin was able to feel Minho smiling as the younger ground down on his lap, causing him to hiss.

“How do you want to do this?” Woojin asked, his eyes closed tight and his breathing heavy. 

“Fuck me,” Minho ground back down again. “Please hyung. Use me. Break me.”

“No, I’m not going to break you,” Woojin opened his eyes and was greeted with the sight of Minho frozen on his lap, the younger boy’s face frozen in shock. “I told you before. I’m not going to let you get hurt anymore.”

“B-but-” Minho’s eyes turned glassy.

“Let me take care of you.” Woojin kissed along Minho’s jaw. He could feel the smaller boy trembling. He easily picked Minho up and placed him down on the bed, making a note to make sure he and Chan both ate more. 

His heart stung at the thought of Chan. He didn’t know what they were. Was this wrong, what he was doing with Minho? He knew if he didn’t, Minho would find someone who would, and would end up hurt again. The dancer whimpered as Woojin gently mouthed at his neck, not hard enough to leave marks but enough to send sparks through his body. He tugged both their shirts off. Was he cheating on Chan? They weren’t together, were they? They kissed a few times, and hinted that they liked each other but it wasn’t right to assume anything, right? Woojin had been fucking others while he and Chan been sleeping together and it didn’t bother him before. Then again, he didn’t have feelings for Chan before. He slipped a condom on.

“Ah, hyung-” Minho bucked up into Woojin’s large palm. He slipped his pants off, leaving himself bare under the elder. Woojin looked at him with half lidded eyes and not for the first time thought about how ethereal Minho was. 

“Focus on me,” Woojin kissed Minho softly. His leg burned where Minho’s thigh hit it but he ignored that. “Don’t think about them, okay? Just focus on hyung.”

“I…” tears ran down Minho’s face. Woojin masked his surprise when he realized the smaller boy was already prepped. 

“What’s wrong kitten?” Woojin kissed away his tears as he gently prodded at his entrance, making sure the younger boy would be in the least amount of pain possible.

“I didn’t think it could be this gentle…” Minho sobbed. Woojin froze. 

“Oh god…” He breathed, his face paling when he realized what Minho meant. He was doing the bare minimum, and even that was new to him. 

“It’s never not hurt before.” Minho whimpered as Woojin pushed in as slowly as he could. 

“Am I hurting you baby?” Woojin whispered, trying to fight back the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. 

“No, no hyung it feels good,” Minho covered his face with his arm. “You- you feel good.”

“You’ll never have to be in pain again,” Woojin kissed along Minho’s jaw again, the only part of the younger’s face that was showing. He could taste the salt on Minho’s skin. “I’ll make sure you feel good. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

Minho sobbed as Woojin moved, his cried broken up by moans and whimpers. Woojin didn’t realize he was crying himself until Minho’s hand came up to cup his cheek. He thrusted into Minho and winced as his healing cuts slapped against the curve of the dancer’s ass.

“I’m sorry hyung,” Minho gasped, trying to pull away. “I’m hurting you-”

“I’m not hurt kitten,” Woojin pulled out and moved so Minho’s knee was over his shoulder. When he pushed back in, there wasn’t as much pressure on his leg. “Just focus on us baby. Don’t think about anything else.”

“Hyung-” Minho’s words were cut off with a whine and Woojin picked up his pace again. He could feel his stomach tightening as Minho’s whimpers got louder. His thrusts became sloppy as Minho started to move his hips back to meet his. 

Minho came first, painting their chests white. Woojin kissed him deeply as he came, swallowing Minho’s moans. Woojin came moments later, the feeling of Minho clenching around him too much. 

They stayed there for a moment, panting. Woojin gasped as he pulled out, grimacing at how Minho winced. Woojin slipped off the condom and tied it, tossing it into the wire trash can next to his bed.

“I’m sorry hyung…” Minho whispered, breaking the silence. Woojin frowned as he gathered him in his arms.

“Why are you apologizing?” 

“I promised myself I wasn’t going to bother you… I know you said to come to you whenever but… I felt guilty. And then we didn’t have practice and my thoughts just got too loud,” He pressed his face into Woojin’s chest as he carried him into the bathroom. “I was about to sneak out and find someone at the bar around the corner when I remembered what you said…”

“Thank you for coming to me,” Woojin whispered as the bath began to fill. He placed Minho in only after making sure the water wasn’t too hot or too cold. “I’m proud of you. It’s hard to admit you need help, and it’s even harder to make the first move to get it.”

“You’re bleeding…” Minho’s eyes filled with tears again. Woojin felt his heart stop as he glanced down at his leg. Some of his old cuts had reopened and were clotting against his tanned skin. He hoped no blood got on his sheets. 

“I’m alright,” He kissed the corner of Minho’s mouth as he rinsed the younger’s hair. He took a washcloth and gently wiped around his legs, making sure to get any lube and blood that may have stick to Minho’s skin. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m… good, I think,” Minho pulled his legs to his chest. “It kinda feels like a dream though. I never thought…”

“It could feel good?” Woojin supplied, causing Minho to nod and close his eyes tightly. 

“It always hurt so badly,” He whispered, a tear working its way down his cheek. “I thought I liked the pain but… but I think I like it with you. You made me feel delicate, like I was breakable but not like I was broken. I’m- I’m sick of feeling broken hyung.”

“You’re not broken. You’re a little… cracked, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken. With love and care and support, you can heal those cracks and you’ll be better than ever before.”

“You know… when I went to the room I was looking for you because I needed a distraction but as soon as I saw you I didn’t think about myself at all. All I cared about was making sure you were okay.”

“You’re so amazing Minho,” Woojin smiled softly, cupping Minho’s face. The younger boy leaned into the warm touch. “You’re beautiful and selfless and I’m so lucky you’re my friend.”

“Thank you hyung,” Minho started crying harder. “I don’t want to go back to those people anymore. All they do is hurt me…”

“You don’t have to see them ever again,” Woojin helped Minho stand and wrapped him in a dry towel. “You have me now. Me and the others. You don’t ever have to feel alone again, okay?”

“I love you hyung.” Minho leaned into Woojin’s warmth.

“Love you too Minnie.” Woojin helped the younger back to their room and into fresh sleep clothes. He let Minho settle into his bed before going over to his own and stripping the sheets. Thankfully he didn’t see any dark stains but they still needed to be washed. 

Woojin quickly threw them into the wash and rebandaged his leg before going back to Minho. The younger was only a few seconds away from sleep, but Woojin smiled when he realized Minho had been waiting for him. He climbed into Minho’s bed and let the boy snuggle in closer, relaxing into his heat. 

“Night Minho.” Woojin whispered. 

Chan poked his head in and looked at Minho’s bed with an unreadable expression. He blinked a few times before going over to Woojin’s bed and silently taking the small blade from the table. He knew Woojin hadn’t given them all to him. He made his was back to the door, pausing to look at his friends sleeping soundly in each other’s arms. 

Chan bit his bottom lip before closing the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drama that Jisung is talking about is called Accidentally in Love and it's on netflix and it's one of my absolute favorite shows in the whole world.
> 
> IDK if AO3 is being weird for anyone else but it looks weird for me and I really hope it doesn't mess up the formatting or anything :(


	7. Chapter 7

Woojin yawned as he stirred some sugar into his coffee. He had woken up surprisingly early. Minho was still sleeping peacefully in his bed, and the only sounds were the faint waking up noises of the other boys. Shuffling and yawning and grunting as they rammed their little toes into bed frames.

“Hyung what’re you doing up already?” Minho shuffled into the kitchen, his hair sticking up in every direction. His eyes were red and puffy, as if he was crying, but Woojin wasn’t sure if it was just from sleep.

“Just woke up,” Woojin smiled softly as he tried to pat down Minho’s bed head, to no avail. “What about you? You were sleeping pretty well.”

“Had a bad dream…” He looked away, frowning a little. Woojin’s smile faded.

“Wanna talk about it?” Woojin guided Minho to sit at the table and started pouring the younger boy a cup of coffee.

“It’s nothing super bad,” Minho took the mug with a tired smile before dumping sugar and cream into it. “I just… I snuck out of the dorm and I found you, but it wasn’t you? I can’t remember who it really was but in the dream it was you. You…. uh….”

Tears splashed into the coffee mug. Woojin froze when he heard an almost silent sob escape from the dancer.

“Minho-”

“It’s fine hyung.” Minho laughed, but it sounded warped. Woojin tried to touch Minho’s shoulder but the younger boy flinched away.

“Please tell me what happened-”

“Really, it’s no big deal.”

“Obviously it was. Holding it in will just make it worse.”

“Woojin hyung, please just drop it.”

“Lee Minho-”

“You raped me! Okay? In my dream, you raped me and it hurt so badly that I woke up and vomited on my blanket!” Minho shouted, clenching his hands on the table and staring into his coffee to avoid meeting Woojin’s horrified expression.

“Oh my god…” A voice from the kitchen doorway said. Minho and Woojin’s heads snapped up to see Jisung standing there, his eyes wide and glassy.

“Jisung,” Minho jumped to his feet, scrubbing the tears from his face as if the younger couldn’t see them in the first place. “I- um… fuck I didn’t know you were awake.”

“You have nightmares like that too?” Jisung gave the elder a tight smile.

“What to you mean too?” Woojin asked, dreading the answer.

“Oh- um… I just… kinda have nightmares sometimes,” Jisung chuckled awkwardly. “It’s no big deal though.”

“Is everything okay? I heard yelling.” Chris came into the kitchen, stopping when he realized how tense the air in the room seemed.

“It’s fine hyung.” Minho said quickly, causing Chan to frown.

“Hyung had a nightmare.” Jisung answered. Minho glared at the younger boy.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chan turned to Minho, who grimaced at the floor.

“It wasn’t that bad-”

“Minho, don’t lie to me please.”

“It was bad but it’s fine,” Minho smiled, and Chan was almost convinced. “It was just a dream. I know what happened in it wasn’t real.”

“Dreams and nightmares are a reflection of our subconscious. If something bad happened in a dream, you should talk about it and try to work through the message your brain is trying to tell you.” Chan said gently, worried about his friend.

“Wait… for real?” Jisung chimed in, looking uncomfortable.

“What?”

“About dreams… are they really a message or whatever?”

“Did you have a nightmare too?” Chan turned his attention to Jisung, who started fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Uh, yeah sometimes.” He grinned but was almost shaking with nerves.

“Almost every night. You said you were gonna come clean.” Changbin said, making everyone jump.

“Hyung!” Jisung whirled around, hurt painted across his face.

“No, I’m not letting this happen anymore,” Changbin crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe. He frowned, looking between Chan and Jisung. Chan was looking between Jisung and Changbin. Jisung was staring at the ground, his trembling hands in fists at his sides. “Jisung’s been having nightmares almost every night and he’s afraid to sleep. The only time he actually sleeps is when his body shuts down. I’ve been trying to get him to talk to Chan hyung but he said it was different so hyung wouldn’t understand.”

“We had a deal.” Jisung whispered, angry tears running down his round cheeks.

“How long has his been going on?” Chan asked the youngest rapper, but Jisung wasn’t even looking at him. His eyes were trained on Changbin.

“I’m not going to let you hide this anymore.”

“I- we had a DEAL,” Jisung ground out. Woojin lurched forward a little, afraid Jisung was going to start swinging at Changbin. “Lemme guess, you’re going to keep your shit to yourself but throw my shit out there for everyone to know.”

“Jisung-”

“Fuck you!” Jisung screamed, running past Changbin, slamming into the older boy’s shoulder as he rushed by. Changbin stumbled back but didn’t fall or chase after his friend. He just sighed and closed his eyes.

“What did Jisung mean?” Chan asked softly. Changbin didn’t open his eyes.

“Um… I think I might have some… head problems.” He muttered. Woojin felt as though he shouldn’t be there, but Changbin was blocking the only exit. He glanced to Minho, who seemed to be feeling the same way.

“What kind of head problems?”

“My mood is all over the place,” Changbin finally opened his eyes and started picking at his nails. “It sucks cuz one minutes I’ll be super productive and happy and the next I’m either too depressed to breathe or I want to break someone’s nose. I thought maybe I was just depressed, you know? Cuz I know mood swings are a part of that, but I did some research and I started thinking maybe it’s more than that. I don’t wanna go to some shrink to get diagnosed with anything because that’ll make it… too real, but something’s not right. I promised Sungie I’d tell you if he talked about what’s going on with him because these nightmares have been fucking with him real hard. I don’t think my thing is that important but if it gets him to talk to someone, I’ll throw it out there.”

“Thank you for telling me Binnie,” Chan smiled warmly and placed a hand on Changbin’s arm. “I know it’s hard to open up. And don’t think about your struggles being unimportant. You’re so important to this family, and if something’s bothering you, you’re allowed to want support and love.”

“It’s… it’s alright hyung. Don’t worry about me,” Changbin’s eyes were suspiciously glassy. “You should go after Jisung though. He’s probably angry crying into his pillow.”

“Shit you’re right,” Chan frowned and looked towards the bedrooms. “We’re not done talking about this though, okay? After breakfast we’re gonna have a big talk and figure things out.”

Chan rushed out in the direction of Jisung’s room, leaving Changbin, Minho and Woojin in the kitchen. Changbin took one look at the older two before smiling awkwardly and nodding, slipping from the room as quickly as possible, leaving the last two in silence.

“Minho, we need to talk still.” Woojin said, going to the microwave to heat his coffee back up again.

“I know but I really don’t want to.” Minho sighed and sat back down at the table, resting his chin on the surface.

“I know you don’t, but Chan was right. Dreams show us our wants and fears, even when we don’t know we want or fear those things.”

“I just… I know you would never hurt me,” Minho whispered, the corner of his mouth quirking up. “I’m just scared of how the others treated me, and when you were so nice to me my brain refused to accept it, I guess.”

“I understand,” Woojin took his mug from the microwave and sat across from his friend. He took Minho’s hand, offering the younger boy a smile. “You’ve been hurt, and you’re going to be afraid. Your mind is going to twist things and make you scared when you know you shouldn’t be. What’s important is that you don’t let yourself get caught up in those negative thoughts, you know? If you let yourself get swept up in those fears, you’re going to close everyone out.”

“It was just… so real hyung,” Minho rested his forehead in his palm of his free hand. “It sucked… it felt like it was really happening, and when I woke up I could almost feel it still. My hips hurt so badly and I thought I felt blood-”

“You’re safe now love,” Woojin gave Minho’s hand a squeeze. “Is there anything I can go to make things a little better?”

“I dunno… I know it was just a dream and the longer I’m awake the less I can remember it,” Minho sighed again, giving Woojin a tight lipped smile. “I just feel a shaken more than anything.”

“Want a hug?”

“Yes…” Minho stood and rushed towards Woojin, who wrapped his arms around the younger boy’s waist. Minho buried his face in the elder’s neck and let a few stray tears soak into his tanned skin.

“You’re alright baby,” Woojin whispered, holding Minho tightly. “Hyung’s got you.”

“...” Minho muttered something, but Woojin couldn’t understand him. He leaned back so he could look the younger boy in the face.

“What was that?”

“Can you kiss me?” Minho sniffed, looking at Woojin with sad eyes. “You don’t hafta, I just-”

Woojin cut him off, kissing him gently. He felt the dancer instantly relax in his arms. Woojin understood why Minho asked. Even a simple kiss could wipe away fear and anxiety.

He didn’t deepen the kiss, keeping it light and careful, but he knew that was the kind of kiss Minho needed. He needed to be treated gently. Needed to be treated delicately.

The sound of someone clearing their throat made them pull apart. Jeongin stood there, pursing his lips and looking straight at Woojin with a hard expression.

“Innie, good morning.” Minho chuckled awkwardly, his cheeks flushing.

“Yeah.” Jeongin didn’t seem amused. Minho bit his lip and looked away.

“Is there something you needed?” Woojin asked. He had a sinking feeling he knew why the maknae was so cold.

“No.” He looked at Woojin carefully before turning on his heels and rushing out. Minho slipped from Woojin’s arms and took his cold coffee - almost completely untouched - and dumped it down the drain.

“Innie’s mad at me, isn’t he?” he chuckled a little, his eyes softening at the mention of the youngest boy despite the icy attitude.

“It’s just a misunderstanding-”

“Nah, I get it,” Minho shrugged and turned to Woojin with a grin. “It’ll get cleared up eventually. Ah, and thanks hyung. For taking care of me, and for being so patient. I know I’m not the easiest to deal with.”

“Minho, never think I’m just dealing with you or just putting up with you. I’m doing this because I care about you. You’re one of my best friends, and I would do anything for you.” Woojin moved closer and cupped Minho’s face.

“Thanks hyung.” Minho smiled brightly, his eyes turning up as his lips curled. He placed a quick kiss to Woojin’s palm before turning away and leaving Woojin alone in the kitchen. The eldest sat at the table, noticing how oddly silent the dorm was. He sipped his coffee and frowned. It was cold again.

* * *

  
“Jisung, can I come in?” Chan knocked on the door gently.

“I guess…” The boy muttered. He hated how he was crying, but he was just so angry. He cried with almost every emotion. Happy? Tears. Angry? Tears. Confused? Frustrated? Scared? Tears. It was one of the many things he couldn’t stand about himself.

“Just to let you know, Binnie kept his part of the promise,” Chan said as he sat on the edge of the bed. Jisung’s face was still buried in his pillow, but the older boy saw him perk up a little. “After you left, he told me what he’s been going through. I could tell he was holding back some, but I also know how hard it is to talk about things.”

“He told you? With Minho hyung and Woojin hyung there?” Jisung lifted his head just enough for his words to be heard.

“Yup,” Chan rubbed Jisung’s back. “I’ll have to do some reading of my own so I can help him better, but I think I might have an idea of what’s going on.”

“Did he tell you what he thought it was?”

“He just said it wasn’t normal depression. I could tell he was uncomfortable talking about it.”

“I don’t blame him. I was the only one who knew,” Jisung finally sat up, instantly moving to rest his head on Chan’s shoulder. “No one else knew anything, not even his parents.”

“No wonder he was so tense…”

“We think it might be some sort of bipolar disorder,” Jisung said quietly, as if he was sharing something he wasn’t supposed to. “We’ve been trying to do research, but it’s hard to find things without making it obvious, you know? I want to help him, but there’s only so much I can do.”

“What do you do to help him?” Chan prompted, hoping to find ways to support his friend.

“When he’s super happy and motivated, I let him work but I make sure to make him eat and take breaks or else he’ll keep going until he passes out. When he crashes I make sure he isn’t alone and keep him distracted so he doesn’t do anything dumb.”

“Dumb?”

“One time he tried to pick a fight with some drunk guy. I managed to stop it before it got bad, but it was scary. He said he wanted to hurt so he tried to antagonize the guy. I made sure I was there to distract him after that, so he wouldn’t do it again.” Jisung recounted, frowning.

“How often does his mood spike like that?”

“Not super often. Usually he gets super motivated once a week, and depressed once every other week. Sometimes it’s more, like when he’s stressed. Then it’s a daily thing. Sometimes he’ll go from happy to angry to depressed to happy again in a few hours.”

“I’ll… definitely have to do some research,” Chan felt icy. He had no idea Changbin was going through this, and he probably never would have found out if it weren’t for the promise Jisung made with him. “Sungie, can you tell me about your nightmares?”

“It wasn’t that bad at the beginning,” Jisung muttered, his eyes starting to sting. “I’d get stress dreams about forgetting the choreography in the middle of a show or about school or something stupid. Then they started getting scarier. I was lost someplace I didn’t know. I was being chased. I’m all alone in this huge, abandoned city. Those weren’t too bad, but they would make me feel uneasy. Then they got worse… The first really bad dream was about us all being kidnapped and I had to watch everyone be killed before they got to me… I woke up and started crying. Changbin hyung found me that night. I didn’t even realize it, but I clawed up my face because of it… they’ve just been getting worse. I try to stay awake as much as I can because I don’t wanna see you guys getting hurt anymore… Binnie hyung tries to help me by holding me while we sleep and that helps most of the time but sometimes it gets so bad that even that doesn’t help.”

“Oh Sungie…” Chan pulled Jisung close to his chest. “When was your last nightmare?”

“Uh… two nights ago? That’s why I was up so early yesterday. Binnie hyung found me freaking out and helped calm me down but I only slept for maybe an hour before I couldn’t anymore, so I made breakfast. Figured since I couldn’t sleep I should be productive. Last night I managed to get a few hours but I kept waking up because I was scared of getting sucked into another nightmare.”

“What was your dream about?” Chan instantly regretted the question when he felt Jisung freeze in his arms.

“I’m scared about what my dreams say about me,” Jisung whispered. “They’re bad dreams hyung. I’m bad in them… what does that mean about me?”

“If you tell me, maybe we can work through it together.” Chan prompted gently, not wanting to upset the younger boy anymore. Jisung sighed and closed his eyes.

“The worst one is where I… I kill everyone. Real slow and painfully and I like it. Dream me likes it so much that he- he draws it out and makes you beg to end it. The last nightmare I had… Binnie hyung was begging me to kill him but I just kept laughing and hurting him-” He cut himself off with a sob. Chan held onto Jisung as if his life depended on it, letting the boy cry into his chest.

As Jisung cried, Chan thought. When Jisung finally calmed down enough that he wasn’t on the verge of hyperventilating, Chan pulled back enough to talk to him.

“It sounds like you’re afraid of hurting us,” Chan started gently. “Dream you wanted to hurt us, but real you hates it, which means your subconscious is trying to work through your fears by showing you something shocking.”

“You think so?”

“I know you Jisung. You would never, ever hurt any of us. You’d put us first all the time if I didn’t kick your ass to take care of yourself.” Chan smiled a little, nudging the boy gently.

“I just love you guys so much,” Jisung sniffled sadly. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you ever.”

“We love you too,” Chan pulled the boy back into a hug. “We do anything for you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” He hated how he still had tears. “I just… felt so guilty. I thought because I was having these dreams, part of me wanted to h-hurt you guys. And you’re alway working so hard, I didn’t want to bother you. I felt selfish too, I guess. You’re always so tired because you literally can’t sleep, and I’m always tired because I don’t let myself sleep. I feel like I’m being selfish because I can sleep and you can’t.”

“You’re not being selfish at all,” Chan couldn’t help but feel upset with himself. How did he not notice Jisung wasn’t sleeping? He knew the boy wasn’t sleeping as much as he should, but he didn’t realize how bad it was. “If you want, we can pick up some sleeping medication? We can see if it can help you sleep without dreams.”

“You think that’ll work?”

“I used to get nightmares a lot when I was a trainee, about not debuting and failing everyone… I tried not to do it too often so I wouldn’t be reliant on them but yeah, the times I took medication I slept through the night without any dreams,” Chan chuckled a little. “Though maybe that’s what caused my current issue.”

“I don’t care what it might do in the future,” Jisung sounded exhausted. “I just want to sleep without being scared.”

“I know love, and we’re going to find a way for you to do just that. Next time you have a nightmare, come find me, yeah? I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing. You’re more important than anything else.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you still apologizing Sungie?”

“Woojin hyung, and Minho hyung, and Innie… they’re going through way worse than this. I feel like an asshole taking up your time right now when they need you more,” Jisung picked at the threads of his blanket. “I would have been fine if I hadn’t said anything, but the others… they need you more.”

“You needing me isn’t taking away from anyone else. There’s enough of me for everyone,” Chan grinned and poked Jisung’s side, making the younger boy jump and laugh.

“Besides, after breakfast I’m sitting everyone down and we’re going to have a long, exhausting talk and then we’re all going out for dinner.”

“A talk?” Jisung didn’t like the sound of that.

“I’m glad you had Binnie, and he had you, but neither of you should have been the other’s only support. We’re nine or nothing, and there shouldn’t be any secrets between us. If one of us is having a hard time, we’re all going to be there to take care of them.”

“Thank you hyung,” Jisung smiled faintly. “You really are the best leader in the world.”

“It’s all for my boys,” Chan grinned wide before standing and offering a hand to his friend. “Now come on, we should go eat.”

“Yeah.”

* * *

  
“We’re not going to dinner until we talk through everything,” Chan started the meeting, looking from one member to the next. “And we have a lot to discuss.”

“Hyung, it’s like noon. How long do you think this is going to take?” Seungmin asked, checking the time on his phone.

“Well it’s been two days and we still haven’t managed to talk about everything so I’m going to go out on a limb and say a few hours at the least,” Chan raised an eyebrow. “I know this is going to suck, and be uncomfortable but it’s important that we settle things now. There is going to be no judging and no need to hide anything. We’re gonna come clean about everything and work together to find ways to support each other. I wanted to apologize to you all first. I should have noticed when you needed me, but I didn’t. I promise you’ll never have to go through anything alone anymore. I know how hard this is going to be, so I figured I would start first.”

“Chan…” Woojin placed a hand on his friend’s arm.

“It’s alright Woojin,” Chan smiled at him. “I need to set an example. Besides… I’ve been handling this by myself for too many years. I think it’s about time I reached out. I’ve had… um, I’ve had an eating disorder since I was a trainee. I refused to admit anything was wrong, because I never let myself faint and I’ve been working on gaining muscle and stuff. It wasn’t until someone made me realize that it was more of a mental thing than a physical thing. Just the fact that I restrict and count calories and focus so much on my appearance was enough for this to be considered an eating disorder… It’s only happened a few times, but I’ve purged my food when I felt really shitty about myself. I know it’s going to take a while to get out of these habits, but that’s where I’m hoping you’ll come in. I need you to make sure I eat, and to call me out when I’m lying and to remind me that I’m not fat when I start to worry. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but I know I can rely on you when I can’t rely on myself.”

“I’m really proud of you Chris,” Woojin whispered, taking Chan’s hand. Chan hadn’t realized his fingers were shaking until Woojin’s were holding them still. He offered his friend a shy smile before turning back to the others.

“So yeah, that’s my story I guess,” he chuckled awkwardly. “That and the insomnia thing but you all know about that already… Each of us are going to have a chance to say what’s been hurting us, and if you don’t know what kind of help you need we can figure something out together. Does… anyone want to go next?”

He looked around, but everyone was pointedly looking away. Chan felt himself pale, the only thing keeping him from freaking out was the warmth of Woojin’s hand. He turned to the other and smiled at him nervously. Woojin smiled back and kissed the back of Chan’s hand, offering him strength. Chan smiled a little warmer, moving so their arms were touching.

“I fucked Woojin hyung!” Minho shouted, covering his face. Everyone jumped, their wide eyes turning towards him. “I’m so sorry Chan hyung I know I shouldn’t have but I needed a distraction because I was feeling like shit and when I feel like shit I go find some random guy who’ll make be forget that I feel like shit but hyung made me promise not to do that anymore because they always hurt me and I knew it was bad and that I should have just done what I always did but I was so scared and I wanted to feel loved-” he cut himself off with a sob, hiding his face. His hands reached up to pull at his hair and Jisung was the first to take his hands away from his face and hold them tight on their laps.

“I know you and Woojin slept together,” Chan said softly, causing Minho to gasp and look up quickly, his eyes wide with horror and shame. Chan smiled at the younger boy. “And I’m not mad. I’m actually really happy you went to him. I remember when he first came to me… it hurt knowing he did that on purpose because he felt like he deserved it… neither of you deserve to be treated that way. Minho, thank you for trusting us with this. If you need someone to help you, and Woojin is busy, you can come to me too. I’ll never judge you for what you need, and I promise you’ll never have to be hurt again.”

“Same hyung,” Jisung chimed in quickly. “I don’t think I really understand completely, but I’m always here for you. I don’t really… have all that much experience but I’ll do my best.” His ears were bright red, and he refused to look at Minho, but the elder knew how sincere Jisung was.

“Thank you Sungie.” Minho sniffed, tears rolling down his cheeks again. Only this time, he was smiling.

“Same goes for me hyung,” Jeongin spoke up. “I know you still think I’m a kid but I’m not. You’re one of my best friends, and I’d do anything if it meant keeping you safe. I… think I kinda get it. The whole wanting to be wanted thing…”

“I- um… fuck, it’s going to be hard for me to come to you,” Minho said, looking uneasy. “I almost chickened out of finding Woojin hyung completely… um, if I start seeming tense or jumpy or if I’m starting to overwork, that’s when I start feeling this way, I guess. It’s when I start feeling worthless? I dunno… I don’t want to ask you guys for too much because I know this is already such a huge thing to drop on everyone but-”

“We can check in on you,” Chan offered gently. “Every few days we’ll check in on how you’re feeling. If you think you need our help, tell us then. We won’t tell you no if you need us, okay?”

“I guess that could work…” Minho wiped his face. “I just… I still feel bad about it cuz I know you two are…. You know.”

“Don’t feel bad Minnie. We’d do anything for you.” Woojin smiled at the dancer from across the circle. Minho grinned and laughed as a few stray tears ran down his face. Jisung continued to hold his hand, wiping the elder’s tears away with his free hand. Silence washed over the room for a moment before Felix cleared his throat.

“I- um…” He started, chuckling awkwardly. Hyunjin leaned over and whispered something into his ear, and everyone could see the freckled boy relax. “I’ve been spending too much time at the studios and Hyunjin wants me to ask you to make sure I don’t overwork myself anymore…”

“I found him unconscious a few weeks ago,” Hyunjin said, causing Chan’s eyes to widen. “When he stayed back to work on the choreography. Everyone had gone to bed and I realized he hadn’t come home. I went back and he was laying on the floor like a doll or something. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen… honestly, I think that might have been what made me like him? Because after that I wanted to protect him but then we started fighting… but yeah, please take care of him for me.” He bowed his head, causing everyone to chuckle a little.

“Why are you talking like you’re giving him away for marriage?” Changbin asked with a grin.

“I just care about him a lot, okay?” Hyunjin’s face flushed as Felix cooed.

“I care about you a lot too.” Felix giggled, kissing Hyunjin’s cheek quickly.

“Is there anything you want to talk about Hyunjin?” Chan asked. Hyunjin’s smile instantly dropped.

“Not really,” He looked away. “It’s nothing serious, and Lixie’s been helping me with it. I don’t wanna bother anyone else.”

“Nothing you say could be a bother.” Chan pushed gently, wanting Hyunjin to rely on them. Felix squeezed Hyunjin’s hand.

“It’s just some internal shit,” He grumbled. “Um, my family is super supportive, don’t get me wrong, but they’re a little… homophobic. I grew up hearing about how being gay is bad and shit. I guess that’s partially why I was so against my feelings for Felix at first. I didn’t mean to push him away but at the same time I felt disgusted with myself. I told him about it Friday and since then he’s been helping me through the bad thoughts. I don’t really know what else you guys could do cuz it’s mainly between me and Lixie, but yeah. That’s about it.”

“I had no idea Jinnie,” Chan’s heart went out to the younger boy. Internalized homophobia is dangerous because most of the time, you don’t even know what’s going on with you. “If you ever feel confused or conflicted, talk to one of us. We’ll help you through it. Most of the time, we just need someone to help us rationalize our feelings.”

“Yeah, I guess I never thought about it that way,” Hyunjin smiled. “Thanks hyung.”

“Can I go next?” Jeongin whispered, his words almost lost.

“Of course Innie,” Chan smiled warmly. “Take your time baby you don’t have to rush.”

“I…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and nodding to himself. “I hurt myself… mostly when I feel alone, because the pain distracts me, but also because I wanted something to make me get better. To work harder, you know? I talked to Channie hyung already, and he took my scissors away but it’s gonna suck really bad because I’ve gotten used to this.”

“How can we help you Innie?”

“Just… don’t push me away if I suddenly get real clingy I guess? And if I start isolating myself come spend time with me. Even if we aren’t doing anything, just being around people might help.”

“Of course baby, you can come to any of us.” Chan smiled at the youngest, who returned it with his own slightly hesitant one.

“I’ll go next,” Jisung said, shifting in his seat. Changbin looked at him and took his hand, letting the younger boy squeeze it to find confidence. “I have really bad nightmares. I already talked to Channie hyung, and he helped me figure out what it might be about. They keep me up a lot, and I’m afraid to go to sleep half the time so I just stay up and try to work. Binnie hyung has been helping me by cuddling with me cuz sleeping with someone calms me down but even then I end up having nightmares…”

“Is that why you stopped sleeping with me?” Hyunjin asked, sounding a little hurt. “You haven’t snuck into my bed in forever I thought you were tired of me or something.”

“No it’s not that,” Jisung said quickly, looking at his friend with wide eyes. “I just… I was scared I was gonna wake you up and I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t really want anyone to find out, but Binnie hyung walked in on me having a panic attack one night and he wouldn’t let me hide it from him anymore…”

“Why didn’t you want anyone to know?” Hyunjin asked.

“Because I felt bad,” Jisung shrugged his shoulders. “Chan hyung wants to sleep but can’t and I can sleep but won’t and I feel like an asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole for being scared,” Felix frowned. “You’re allowed to be afraid. Nightmares are awful, and I don’t think I would know what to do if I had them almost every night.”

“Can I ask what the dreams are about?” Jeongin asked quietly.

“Ah… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that with everyone…” Jisung chuckled but his eyes were wide and scared.

“That’s alright Jisung, you don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.” Chan interrupted quickly, not wanting Jisung to feel uneasy.

“I should probably say something, shouldn’t I?” Woojin smiled, but it wasn’t a happy one at all. “Seeing how this whole weekend is kind of my fault.”

“It’s not your fault!”

“Hyung!”

“Don’t say that!” The room exploded. Everyone instantly rejecting the idea that the eldest was to blame for anything.

“Though I guess it was kind of good that I got found out…” Woojin chuckled awkwardly, looking at his hands. “Well, I’ve been hurting myself for about a year… I used to sleep around because I felt like I deserved to be used but Chan got me to stop that before our debut. I overwork and lose my temper because I don’t have any healthy outlets. The night I yelled at Seungmin, he found me about to break my knuckles on a punching bag because I was frustrated and didn’t know what to do… last night, Minho found me… it wasn’t just for his sake. He helped distract me because I wanted to hurt myself so badly I thought I was going to throw up.”

“Oh god…” Jeongin’s eyes watered.

“He found me with the blade against my leg,” Woojin chuckled again, the sound getting more and more frantic. “It was… not the best way to be caught by your friend.”

“Is there anything else you want to say Jinnie?” Chan took Woojin’s hand and kissed the back of it. Woojin let out a sigh and his shoulders relaxed a little.

“I think that’s it for right now…”

“I’m proud of you,” Chan smiled softly, his eyes turning up as he and Woojin looked at each other. A moment of silence passed before Chan coughed and turned back to the others, his ears red and warm. “Of all of you! I’m proud of all of you.”

“Can I say something too?” Seungmin spoke up.

“Of course!” Chan turned to the second youngest.

“I have anxiety? I used to take medication for it but it made me feel weird so I stopped. My parents don’t know I stopped. They keep calling me and reminding me of my prescription and I pick them up so they don’t worry about me so I have seven or eight bottles of untouched medication hidden in my closet.”

“How long have you been off your medication?” Chan asked, looking concerned.

“Two years at least,” Seungmin bit his lip. “My doctor has been trying to get me to come in to talk about it but I keep pushing it off because I don’t wanna face the fact that I’m running away from my problems.”

“How does your anxiety affect you? Maybe we can help you manage it without medication. I know how hard it is to rely on medicine.”

“I mostly overthink. I start to think about who I am and what my place in the world in and how little I am in comparison to the universe because I’m just one person and nothing I ever do will make a difference because one day there won’t be anyone alive who remembers who I was and it’ll be like I never existed in the first place and if I never existed, what’s the point of doing everything that I’m doing-”

“Seungmin!” Chan cut the younger boy off sharply, not liking the way he was starting to shake. “Hey, look at me. It’s alright.”

“It fuckin sucks hyung because once I start freaking out everything spirals until I can’t stop thinking and it feels like there’s cement in my throat.”

“You don’t have to be afraid Minnie,” Chan reached over and laced their fingers together to comfort him. “We’re all here for you. We love you so much.”

“Thank you hyung,” Seungmin nodded to himself a little. “I know I can come to you guys. I think I just needed to talk about it outloud to understand what’s going on.”

“I’m so proud of all of you,” Chan looked between his boys with a wide grin. “Honestly everyone, I’m… so fucking proud of you.”

“Binnie hyung didn’t say anything.” Jisung mentioned casually.

“Jisung-”

“He doesn’t have to if he’s uncomfortable-”

“We have to trust each other,” Jisung said firmly. “And I don’t want hyung to be alone with this anymore.”

“Fine,” Changbin sighed, crossing his arms. “I have some sort of bi polar bullshit going on and I don’t know what to do about it. Jisung was literally the only person in the entire world who knew up until this morning and now you all know too. When I get manic, he makes sure I take breaks and when I crash he makes sure I’m not alone. If I’m working too hard or can’t get out of bed, I dunno… come talk to me or something. Keep me company. I don’t exactly know what’s going on so I can’t tell you how to help me.”

“We got you hyung,” Hyunjin grinned. “Anytime you need us, we’re there.”

“Th-thank you,” the rapper’s eyebrows furrowed a little. “I… didn’t think I’d actually feel better talking about this shit but here we are…”

“Is there anything else anyone wants to say?” Chan asked, looking around the room. Everyone thought for a moment.

“Actually, while we’re here I wanted to say that someone keeps leaving the toilet paper the wrong way and it’s annoying.” Hyunjin said bluntly causing everyone to laugh.

“Ah, that might be me,” Felix grinned. “I never know which is the right way.”

“Lixie! I trusted you!” Hyunjin held his free hand against his chest in mock hurt.

“Minho used the last of the creamer and put the empty container back in the fridge.” Jeongin chimed in, giggling a little at the shocked look on the older dancer’s face.

“Yeah well… Jeongin used too much fabric softener and now the whole dorm smells like flowers!”

Chan watched his boy call each other out for little things. The tension in the air instantly dissolved as they laughed and threw pillows at each other.

“You did the right thing,” Woojin whispered in his ear. “This was good for us.”

“I was worried that it would make everyone upset but look at them,” He shook his head but had a loving smile plastered on his face. “They’re unbelievable.”

Hyunjin had Minho in a headlock while Jeongin tickled the dancer. Minho squirmed and shouted but he was laughing as he flailed. Felix and Jisung cheered for the two holding Minho down while Changbin and Seungmin hovered around the crowd, trying to figure out if they should step in before Minho broke someone’s nose or if they should let it happen.

“Let them mess around for a bit, them we can go eat,” Woojin kissed the corner of Chan’s mouth gently. “But Chan…”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re alright with the whole Minho thing…?”

“Do you have feelings for Minho?” Chan asked, not taking his eyes off the cluster of laughing boys in front of him.

“Of course not-”

“Do you have feelings for me?”

“I- yeah, yeah I do.”

“Then I trust you,” He turned to Woojin with a soft smile. “I love Minho, and I don’t want to see him get hurt anymore, but I love you Woojin. Love love you. If you can trust me to help our friend like that, than I can trust you too.”

“I’d trust you with my life.” Woojin kissed Chan properly then, their lips gently touching.

“Same.” Chan giggled against the kiss.

“Gross! Dads are making out!” Someone shouted - it sounded suspiciously like Jisung - and the two oldest members broke apart with a shout.

“Ya, let them have nice things.” Changbin smacked Jisung on the back of the head, but there was no malice behind it.

“They already have seven nice things.” Jisung stuck his tongue out.

“He’s right,” Chan laughed, pulling Jisung into a headlock of his own. “You guys are alright I guess.”

“Hyung!” Jisung whined, wiggling but not getting anywhere.

“Come on children, let’s go eat!” Chan watched everyone scramble to put their shoes on and grab their jackets. He was exhausted - their talk took more energy than he thought it would - and honestly he would have prefered to just collapse into bed and cuddle with Woojin because the next morning brought back their normal schedules.  
But he wanted to make his boys happy, so he smiled as they walked to dinner. Hyunjin started singing one of their sings, and the others chimed in. They harmonized beautifully, filling the night air with a free performance.

Woojin’s hand slipped into his, and his smile softened. They were going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this extra long chapter before I left today because I'm going for a double rootcanal and I fucking hate the dentist and writing is the only thing keeping me from absolutely freaking the fuck out rn! 
> 
> While I was writing it felt like this chapter dragged on, but when I reread it, it seemed to flow nicely. Things are good now! But if you've ever read one of my fics, they never stay good *star eyes emoji*
> 
> Today is gonna suck, and tomorrow is probably also going to suck but hopefully I can get back to writing the day after and have the new chapter up by Monday (?) who knows tho
> 
> Also I added the total number of chapters to the summary but that's just an estimate. That'll probably be changing, I just think 10 chapters is a nice even number to have for a fic lmao


	8. Chapter 8

Woojin panted. They were just days away from their next comeback stage and everyone was exhausted. Months of hard work were about to pay off, and they were sure this comeback was going to be the best one yet.

Jeongin plopped down next to Woojin, lifting the hem of his shirt up to wipe the sweat from his forehead. Thanks to Chan and the special scar oil the older boy had, his arms were clearing up nicely. It would still be a little while before he would be able to wear short sleeves on stage again, but when it was just them in the practice room he wasn’t worried.

“How’re you feeling hyung?” He asked, offering Woojin some of his water bottle. Woojin smiled and held up his own, nodded for Jeongin to finish his own drink.

“I’m good Innie, thanks for asking.” Woojin looked over to the others. Felix and Hyunjin were watching something on Felix’s phone, sharing a pair of headphones. Jisung was napping on Changbin’s lap, the elder’s jacket draped over his shoulders. Minho was sitting by himself, resting his head against the wall, eyes closed but his foot was tapping to whatever song was playing through the speakers while they were on break. Chan and Seungmin were messing around, dancing to some Twice song that Woojin was too tired to name.

They were healing. It had been three and a half months, and things have been getting better. Jisung had been sleeping better, thanks to the medication Chan got for him as well as how eager the others were to cuddle with him when he had a bad dream. Seungmin finally went to talk to his doctor, who agreed medicating him wasn’t the best option and gave him exercises to help him cope with his anxiety on his own. Changbin managed to open up a little more to the others, letting them take care of him when things got too much to handle. Chan was gaining weight again, in a good way. His cheeks were filling back out, and his stomach was a little softer. He seemed happier and was sleeping better too. Minho was getting better at seeking them out when he needed them. With how gentle everyone treated him, he honestly started to believe what everyone already knew - that he was worthy of love. It was slow going, but he was getting better.

Woojin, on the other hand, felt like he was the only one that wasn’t getting better. He struggled more than not. He tried to reach out, but every time he went to find one of his friends, they were already busy. He lost track of how many times he went to find Minho, only to hear him and Jisung behind their locked door. Lost track of how many times he went to find Chan, only to find him comforting a crying Seungmin.

He was three and a half months clean, but that might have been the hardest part of this entire situation. He did everything he could to keep himself from relapsing but god was it impossible. He would take scalding hot showers, staying until his skin was red and splotchy and hurt to lay in his bed. He snuck out to the gym and ran until his legs were numb and he had no energy left to want to bleed. He checked up on Minho, and more often than not the younger was ready to distract him and when he wasn’t able to, Chan was. He always dominated Minho, but he and Chan switched depending on how Woojin was feeling. When he needed control, Chan let him bend him in half and wreck him. When he needed to feel loved, he let Chan take over and use his body however the leader wanted to.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried, the pressure on his chest somehow managed to creep back to him. Day after day, it felt like another pound was pressing down on him, making it hard to breathe and work and think.

“Woojin? Baby are you okay?” Chan’s asked, sitting next to his friend. Woojin jumped, not realizing the newly bleached blonde had even walked across the room. He must have taken too long to answer, because the concern on Chan’s face doubled. “Wooj…”

“Ah, I’m fine,” He smiled, but even he could tell it didn’t reach his eyes. “Just tired.”

“I’m taking you back.” Chan stood. Woojin reached out to grab his hand but was too slow. It felt like he was moving through jello.

“I’m fine Chan-”

“Minho, can you keep practice going? I’m taking Woojinnie home. He’s not feeling too good.”

“Of course hyung.” Minho said instantly, standing and walking towards the stereo.

“Chan, really I can stay-”

“Let me take care of you?” Chan asked, taking Woojin’s hands.

He had a quite a few weaknesses. Fried chicken, kittens, Jeongin’s pout, the look Stays gave them during hi touch events, but Chan’s eye smile was the one thing that could make him crumble in a single moment.

“Alright…” He mumbled, letting Chan drag him over to their bags. The leader packed up their things with one hand before swinging both over his own shoulder and tugging the eldest out of the practice room.

Neither spoke as they walked back to the dorms, Chan’s hand warm in his own. He almost forgot about the pressure pushing down on his because of how safe Chan made him feel. It wasn’t until they were slipping off their shoes in a silent dorm that the reality of the situation settled on Woojin’s shoulders like a weighted jacket.

“Wooj, talk to me.” Chan said quietly, tugging him down to sit on the couch.

“It’s nothing, just tired.” Woojin wasn’t technically lying. He really was exhausted.

“Is there anything I can do?” Chan asked, rubbing his thumb gently across the skin of Woojin’s wrist. The elder boy thought, wondering what might help.

“Take care of me,” Woojin whispered, closing his eyes. “Please. I don’t want to feel bad anymore.”

“Of course love,” Chan kissed him, cupping his cheek gently.

Chan deepened the kiss, pulling Woojin onto his lap. The others were supposed to be at practice until nine, so unless there was an emergency, no one was going to walk in on them. Woojin let Chan take complete control, falling limp against the other’s touch.

“You’re so pretty,” Chan whispered, his fingers dancing across Woojin’s stomach. “Such a pretty baby.”

“Chris…” Woojin closed his eyes as the other kissed along his neck. How did Chan know exactly how to make him forget about everything with a simple touch?

“Let me take care of you baby,” Chan nipped at Woojin’s neck, causing shivers to run up his spine. “I’ve got you.”

Woojin never thought he would find himself being bent over a couch while his best friend’s chest stuck to his back but somehow he felt amazing. His mind was clear as the sound of slapping filled the air, only broken by the sounds of panting and moaning. Chan always treated him so gently, and no matter how much Woojin begged for him to absolutely destroy him, Chan refused to let him walk away in pain.

Fingers danced along Woojin’s thighs, digging into the soft flesh causing him to gasp and grind back into the touch, wanting it to hurt.

“Woojin, none of that.” Chan whispered, pulling his hands away despite the whimpers that came from the elder boy.

“Please,” Woojin begged, tears dripping from his eyes. “Just- just a little bit. I want to hurt-”

“If you want to try things like that, we can but only after we talk about it,” Chan stilled inside of him, causing Woojin to sob. “If you want to explore other kinks, I’m here to help you but I’m not going to hurt you without talking about it first.”

“Chris please hit me,” Woojin covered his face, trying to hide his tears. “Just- just one please. Hit me, scratch me please just hurt me-”

“I’m not going to hurt you love,” Chan pulled him close, kissing Woojin’s sobs away. He started moving slowly, making sure Woojin could feel his affection and adoration in every single thrust. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

“Please…” Woojin sobbed into Chan’s shoulder, but the blonde didn’t move any faster. He kept the same pace, taking his time to make love to Woojin, gently biting at the older boy’s neck and shoulder - not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough to make him jump.

They finished together, laying sleepily on the couch. Woojin cracked an eye open, smiling down at Chan who was sweating and breathing heavily.

“Come on love, let’s clean up.” Woojin said, standing and helping Chan up. He helped his lover shower before tucking him in bed. Chan fell asleep instantly, a calm smile on his face as his breathing evened out.

Woojin watched him for a moment before getting dressed and grabbing his half charged phone.

Why didn’t it help? Woojin grimaced as he slipped his shoes back on and left the dorm. He raced back to the practice rooms, his hips only the slightest bit sore. Chan almost always made him feel better, but the pressure on his chest was only getting heavier and heavier. The skin on his thigh itched and his throat stung with how hard he was holding back a scream. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text.

He didn’t wait to see if he saw it. He knew he did. Woojin made his way up to the floor with the practice rooms. He could hear his members talking in their usual room but he walked right past it. He made a beeline for the end practice room.

It was the one room that people avoided like the plague. The heating was broken so it was always too hot, and the one mirror was still cracked from when he threw Chan against it. He slipped into the room, but he wasn’t alone.

“Hyung, I thought you weren’t feeling well…” Minho looked over to him. It was clear the younger boy had been practicing up until just moments before - sweat dripping down his face, cheeks flushed, hair damp.

“It didn’t work.” Woojin whispered, tapping his hand against his leg.

“What didn’t work?”

“He always helps but he didn’t h-help this time and it’s getting worse and worse and I think I’m going to explode-” His breathing got faster and faster, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. The small spark of pain wasn’t enough - it just made the urge even worse.

“Oh god hyung,” Minho took his hands, and he could see how hard the older boy was shaking. “What can I do?”

“Fuck me.”

“What?”

“Minho, fuck me as hard as you can,” Woojin was looking through him, and it scared Minho. “Pull my hair and hit me and scratch me and call me awful names and choke me.”

“I can’t do that-”

“Please! Minho please-” Woojin started crying, absolutely desperate for the pain. Minho hesitated, but Woojin collapsed into his arms, trembling and sobbing. Woojin heard him take a deep breath as he threaded his fingers through his hair.

Suddenly, Woojin’s head was yanked up as Minho pulled on his hair harshly. Woojin’s eyes flew open and his mouth dropped open. Minho was looking down at him with wide, scared eyes but there was also something determined in his stare.

“Pants off,” Minho growled, and Woojin felt something shoot through him. “Now, slut.”

Woojin’s head went fuzzy as he stripped letting his clothes fall haphazardly on the smooth floor. Minho pulled on his hair again, shoving the older boy down to his knees. Without a work, Woojin pulled down Minho’s pants, freeing the dancer’s cock.

Minho didn’t hesitate to shove his length into Woojin’s mouth, choking the elder. He pulled out when Woojin’s face started to turn red, only to shove his cock back down the vocalist’s throat. It was only after Woojin had steady tears running down his cheeks that Minho pulled out, a string of saliva connecting his swollen lips to Minho’s twitching length.

“Against the mirror,” Minho said coldly. “I want you to watch yourself being used.”

“Yes sir-” Woojin’s voice was hoarse.

“Already prepped, huh?” Minho chuckled as he slipped a finger into the older boy easily. “I bet Channie hyung was real careful opening you up.”

Woojin didn’t even have a chance to confirm or deny anything. Minho’s hand came down harshly on Woojin’s ass cheek, causing him to cry out. Minho shoved his fingers in Woojin’s mouth to keep him quiet as he landed another painful blow to his cheeks. Woojin jerked forward, the pain shooting up his body, making his own cock twitch.  
Minho kept hitting him until his knees gave out. Only then did the dancer move to support him. He slipped into Woojin, instantly pounding into the elder’s hole. One hand held Woojin up while the other pulled harshly at his hair.

“You feel so good, you dirty slut,” Minho panted. “Bet you put out to anyone who asks, huh? Like feeling filled? Like being stretched by my thick cock?”

“Y-yes!”

“Shut up!” Minho pulled out and spanked Woojin again, making him yell in pain. “You don’t have the right to talk to me, you piece of shit.”

Minho used Woojin’s hair like a lead, controlling the arch in Woojin’s spine, his other hand pressing finger shaped bruises into his hip. Before he could even think about it, Woojin was cumming on the mirrors, his knees completely giving out as he collapsed against the wall.

Within seconds, Minho was filling Woojin. His breathing was erratic and his body was thrumming as he pulled out from the elder. Woojin didn’t even flinch as the feeling of Minho’s cum dripping down his reddened ass cheeks.

“Hyung… hyung can you hear me?” Minho asked, his voice holding none of the edge it had just moments before. Woojin closed his eyes, trying to hold onto the feel of pain but even that was quickly fading.

“I’m sorry I made you do that,” Woojin whispered, not opening his eyes. “That’s how they used to treat you, right?”

“Yeah… but it seemed like you wanted it so…”

“I did, thank you Minnie,” Woojin opened his eyes and smiled. He reached out and ruffled Minho’s hair, the younger boy leaning into his touch even though they were both sweaty and sticky. “You should go back to practice. The other’s are probably wondering wondering where you are.”

“I’m not just going to leave you like this,” Minho frowned. “Aftercare is important and after that I-”

“Seriously Minnie, I’m golden,” He smiled again, hoping the younger would believe him. “I’m going to go back to the dorm and nap.”

“What… what happened?”

“Chan was too soft,” Woojin chuckled, feeling the pressure on his chest increase again. He started panicking. This was supposed to make the weight go away! Why was it still there? “I’m fine now though, thank you so much.”

“I wasn’t too rough, was I?” Minho sounded small, like he was about to cry.

“Of course not baby,” Woojin kissed Minho softly. “Go back to practice, yeah?

“Love you hyung.”

“Love you more Minnie.”

* * *

  
Woojin, for the first time that night, couldn’t bring himself to cry. He had limped home as fast as he could, the feeling of Minho’s cum sticking to his boxers. He felt awful - he must have made Minho relive some awful memories because he was being selfish. Not only that, but he was the one to seek Minho out directly after fucking his boyfriend.

They had an understanding that if Minho sought them out, they would do anything in their power to support their friend but this was different. He was the one to look for Minho. He cheated on Chan.

Finally, the tears came. He bit his lip hard, but the faint taste of metal wasn’t enough. He knew he had to resist, but he fucked up. He fucked up so badly and there was nothing he could do to make this up.

He fucked up. He fucked up. He fucked up.

He’s a fuck up.

He slide the blade against healing skin. It was his last one, hidden in an old journal tucked under his bed. The silver sang through his flesh as if it had been created for that sole purpose. He didn’t feel the pain until he was two more slashes in, and when he felt it, it was as if it all hit at once.

He gasped, leaning heavily against the wall. The crimson gushed down the drain, but the guilt only built more. He sobbed quietly, digging the next line deeper. The pain shot through his leg and he almost dropped the blade. In the months he had been doing this, Woojin didn’t think he had ever gone this deep before. The blood bubbled out, and

Woojin felt cold despite the hot water pounding against his body.

“Fuck…” He whispered, pounding a fist against the shower wall. “Shit!”

“Woojin?” Chan’s tired voice came from the door. “Everything alright?”

“Uh, yeah,” he called back, his words surprisingly steady. “Slipped a little. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Okay,” Even through the door, Woojin could see the sleepy smile on Chan’s face. “I’m gonna make some dinner. The other’s should be back soon.”

“I’ll come help you when I’m done.”

“Love you Wooj.” Chan said happily before walking away. Woojin turned and felt everything spin. The red from his leg wasn’t slowing just yet, but he knew he needed to stay awake. He rinsed the blood, washing the rest of what Minho left in him away and turned the water off. Stepping out of the shower, he was careful to wipe any red away before taping a bandage over the damage. In the last three months, the first air kit hadn’t been touched, which mean Chan probably wouldn’t think to check it.

Woojin slipped into his room and put on clean sweatpants. Just as he was about to walk past Chan’s room, he hesitated. He went in quickly and grabbed one of Chan’s hoodies. He didn’t deserve the comfort the other boy would give him, but he was desperate. Just as he was about to leave, he remembered something.

It was if his hand was moving on it’s own. Before he really knew what he was doing, there was a full bottle of pills in his hand. Seungmin had been wrong. There were ten bottles, not seven.

He took three.

He hid them under his own bed, wrapped in an old pair of gym shorts.

He didn’t know why he took them, but for some reason he needed them.

“Woojin? Everything okay?” Chan poked his head into the room, causing Woojin to jump. He could feel the tape holding the bandage in place tug painfully against his skin.

“Yeah, thought I had lost something under my bed but it’s not there.” He lied easily.

“Oh, what did you lose?” Chan asked, not thinking to doubt the elder for even a moment.

“Um, that one cardigan I like,” He smiled. “I can’t remember where I had it last. I might have lent it to Minho.”

“I’ll ask him when he gets back,” Chan smiled back. He took Woojin’s hand and for a moment, Woojin’s trembling stopped. “Come on, you’re shaking. Let’s get some food in you, yeah? The others should be back soon.”

“Alright Channie.” Woojin let Chan pull him towards the kitchen.

He could never let Chan know.

* * *

  
“Hyung, we need to talk about what happened.” Minho pulled Woojin aside. The others were settling down for the night, the shower running and the sound of yawning and scuffling filling the dorm. Dread shot through Woojin’s body.

“It’s okay,” He said quickly. “I’m okay.”

“Hyung, you… you wanted me to hurt you. I get liking things a little spicy, but that was… something different.”

“Minho-”

“No, it’s not okay,” Minho frowned. “You… you really scared me.”

“I’m sorry Minnie,” Woojin felt even guiltier. He was fucking everything up, wasn’t be? First Chan, not Minho. Who’s next? Hyunjin? Jeongin? How else was he going to fuck everything up? “I don’t really know what was wrong with me.”

He chuckled, but Minho didn’t look amused.

“Woojin hyung, remember what we all promised?” He looked at the older boy seriously, frowning. “If something is up, we don’t hide it. We trust each other and ask for help.”

“I know, but I really am fine now,” Woojin was lying. Lying. Lying. “I was just a little messed up before but thanks to you I got my thoughts back together.”

“Really?” Minho looked at him with wide eyes and a small smile. Woojin couldn’t tell the truth now. The younger boy looked too happy to think he was able to help Woojin that he couldn’t bring himself to break his heart.

“Yeah, thank you.” Woojin smiled and cupped Minho’s cheek. Minho instantly leaned into the touch and smiled more, the corners of his lips curling up cutely.

“You should talk to Channie hyung,” Minho opened his eyes and looked up at Woojin. “I know he loves you a lot, and he wants to take care of you, but if what he’s doing isn’t enough you should talk to him about it. If you want him to be a little rougher, I’m sure he’d do it for you. You just gotta let him know.”

“I will, thanks Minnie,” Woojin smiled despite the guilt oozing through his veins. It felt like the weight on his chest was sending vines of cement through his veins, like tendrils of something that he can’t get out of no matter what he does. “You should go to bed, you look exhausted.”

“Hm yeah I will,” He yawned and turned to walk away before turning back quickly again with a smirk on his lips. “Oh and hyung, if you want me to top again, please don’t hesitate to ask. I haven’t had that much fun in ages.”

“Will do.” Woojin grinned at the spark in Minho’s eyes, and for the first time that night, the smile felt genuine. Minho winked and slipped into the room. Woojin could see the light was already off, which mean Felix was already asleep.

Woojin was left in the hallway, wondering what to do. He wanted nothing more than to sneak into Chan’s room and slip into his bed and hold his boyfriend, but he didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve Chan and his soft smiles and his dimples and his giggles and his warm hands that fit so perfectly in his own.

He couldn’t bring himself to sleep in his own bed either. He couldn’t go in the same room as Minho - who trusted him and cared for him and wanted him to be happy. He used Minho for his own selfish reasons and didn’t deserve to share the same room as someone who just wanted to help him.

Woojin slipped on his shoes and went to the one place he knew he would be able to do something productive.

The gym.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone :) Ask for :) more pain :) 
> 
> Don't forget! No matter what I put my characters through, they'll always get their happy ending!!


	9. Chapter 9

Chan was disappointed but not entirely surprised to see only seven boys at breakfast again. The past few days, Woojin was almost nowhere to be found. Chan felt something in his chest twist, but he didn’t know what to do. He was worried, but wasn’t sure how to go about confronting the other boy.

On one hand, he was the leader. If a member was having a problem, it was his job to step in and solve it. It was his lack of doing just that which caused things to spiral so badly with his boys. On the other hand, Chan was not Woojin’s boyfriend. Sure, they both obviously liked each other, and they had done things that ‘just friends’ would never do, but neither of them tried to make it official, so he would feel guilty trying to act like Woojin’s partner.

He sighed heavily and put his chopsticks down. He was too worried and frustrated to eat. He noticed instantly how everyone at the table honed in on him.

“Hyung.” Jeongin said gently, his eyes flicking down to Chan’s bowl. Chan smiled softly, still not entirely used to the others looking out for him like this.

“It’s not because of that,” Chan said warmly, but no one relaxed. “I’m just worried about Woojin… my stomach’s all in knots. I’ll eat later, okay? You can watch me.”

“You promise?” Changbin asked, playing with his own food.

“Pinky promise,” Chan grinned and held his littlest finger up in the air. Changbin gave him an amused, crooked grin and turned his attention back to his bowl.

He pushed his bowl towards Jisung, who was almost finished with his own. The younger rapper hesitated but Chan nodded permission and that’s all he needed. Before Chan was even out of the kitchen, Jisung was scarfing down the remains of Chan’s breakfast.

“Where are you going hyung?” Minho called over to Chan, who was slipping his shoes on by the front door.

“I’m going to check the gym,” Chan had a bad feeling in his stomach. “Last time Woojin disappeared, that’s where he wound go.”

“Do you think he’s getting bad again…?” Jeongin asked quietly.

“I hope not…” Chan swallowed thickly before slipping from the dorm. He pulled a mask over his mouth and made a beeline for the gym. With each step, the knot in his stomach seemed to tighten more. He was torn - what was worse? Getting there and finding Woojin on the verge of passing out, which would be proof that the elder boy was getting bad again? Or getting there and having the boy he loves nowhere to be seen?

He pushed open the door to the gym, nodding to the secretary and heading towards the weight section. He looked around but there was no familiar face there. He waved to some of his friends from his trainee years, but no Woojin.

He checked the treadmills next, but none of them were being used.

He checked the punching bag, but Woojin wasn’t there.

Chan was starting to panic. If Woojin wasn’t there, where could he be? He went to the last place that the other boy could possible be.

The dressing room was completely silent, only the sound of running water echoing against the outdated walls. The knot in Chan’s stomach grew as he walked towards the showers.

“Woojin? Are you in here?” He called out, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“Chan?” Woojin called back, and Chan’s knees almost gave out.

“Shit, oh thank god,” Chan breathed, rushing to the showers. “Where have you been? We’ve been worried about you… I’ve been worried…”

“Go back Chan,” Woojin said from the shower stall. “I’ll be there for practice.”

“I’m not going back without you.”

“Yes you are.”

“Woojin-” The shower turned off. Woojin stormed out of the stall, towel around his waist. He went right up to Chan, his face inches from the other’s.

“I never asked you to be worried about me,” Woojin growled. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter, alright? I’m fucking fine.”

“Obviously you’re not fine-” Chan tried to take Woojin’s hand, his eyes widening at how bruised his knuckles were, but Woojin just ripped his hand away.

“Jesus christ Chris take a fucking hint.” He stormed away, grabbing his bag and locking himself into a changing stall. Chan stared at the closed door with wide eyes, the back of his throat stinging.

He could feel his heart breaking. Woojin, who whispered such nice things to him. Woojin, who cried into his chest. Woojin, the only person to really open up Chan’s heart. He clenched his fists together, his fingernails digging into his palms to try and calm his mind.

He knew this wasn’t really Woojin. It was painfully clear that Woojin was trying to push him away. He was getting bad again, and he was trying to lash out like he did before.

Only this time, Chan had fallen completely in love with him and despite knowing Woojin didn’t mean it, it hurt like a knife to the chest.

“I’ll just… go back,” Chan whispered, but he knew Woojin heard. “Try not to work yourself too hard…”

He turned and left the dressing room, his hands shaking so badly it took him three tries to unlock his phone.

“Well, I found him.” He said as soon as Minho picked up.

“You don’t sound too happy about that.”

“He… yelled at me,” Chan admitted with a sigh. “I wanted to confront him but I just… froze.”

“Jeez, that’s pretty out of character…”

“And I don’t want to get mad at him because I know this isn’t him talking, this is the voice in his head speaking for him. He’s trying to push me away because he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be taken care of and I hate that he feels this way and I- I hate that he’s taking it out on me because I love him so much and I-”

Chan burst into the dorm, not even realizing he was so close. He hung up the phone and threw himself at Minho, who instantly held the older boy.

“Hyung…” Minho held his breath. He knew Chan and Woojin had something, but to hear the older boy admit that he actually loved Woojin…

“I love him Minho,” Chan whispered, a tear running down his cheek. He had been trying so hard to hold it in but it was pointless. “I love him and I’m so scared I’m going to lose him. I don’t know what to do because he made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me right now.”

“He’ll come to you,” Minho felt the back of his throat burning. It was almost unheard of for Chan to break down like this. He barely showed any negative emotions at all - even when he was frustrated at practice he opted to talk through whatever the issue was rather than raising his voice - so to see Chan sobbing in his arms broke Minho’s heart. “He just needs some time. It’s scary to relapse, and when you’re scared you push people away.”

“I just want to help,” Chan whispered sadly. “I don’t want him to be in pain anymore.”

“He’ll be okay.” Minho hummed, rubbing his leader’s back as he cried.

* * *

  
Woojin dug his nails into his arm, trying to keep silent. He was the biggest asshole in existence, wasn’t he? Chan wanted nothing more than to help him and to make him feel loved and he was a selfish bastard who did nothing but hurt and hurt and hurt.

It had been days and he hadn’t talked to anyone. He hadn’t talked to Minho about what happened. He hasn’t talked to Chan about anything. In fact, that morning was the first time Woojin said anything in almost thirty five hours.

He went to his room, not looking at anyone. He hands were shaking but there was nothing he could do to make them stop because that would require going to the kitchen, avoiding Chan, getting food, avoiding Minho, actually stomaching whatever he managed to scrape together while avoiding Chan and Minho…

It wasn’t worth it.

He grabbed some random cleanish clothes and brought them to the bathroom with him. No one talked to him as he walked through the hall. His heart stung as Jeongin basically dove out of his way, but it couldn’t be helped. It was what he deserved. He was disgusting.

Worthless, a cheater. He betrayed Chan’s trust. He never deserved Chan’s love in the first place. He was selfish letting the blonde love him because he should have know. He should have known he was going to fuck it up. He was going to take Chan’s heart and twist it and break it and grind it into a fine powder because Woojin was a monster. He took good things and tainted them.

The sound of the shower drowned out the hiss coming from between his teeth. He was already getting used to the pain again. After three months, he was more sensitive, but now the blade sang through his skin like a hot knife through butter. It hurt so fucking bad, but he deserved it. He needed to hurt.

He grimaced when he realized he was running out of room on his thigh. The skin he hadn’t sliced up just then was still raw and healing from the night before. He tried to avoid his arms and stomach because those would be the first things his members would notice, not that they cared. They pretended to care but it was obvious they were sick and tired of him. They were annoyed by how snappish he was being. They were pissed at how he kept making mistakes. They hated him for ever even thinking he was good enough to be part of Stray Kids. He was the one bringing them all down and no matter what he did to improve, it’ll never, ever be enough.

He dropped the blade, his fingers shaking too hard to hold it anymore. He bit back a sob. It had been a few days since he had managed to cry, and it somehow made his chest feel even more hollow.

He missed Chan. He missed being able to let the other boy hold him and comfort him. He missed how Chan’s hugs seemed to solve everything and his how kisses seemed to stop time and how when he was with Chan, nothing bad could happen.

But he was just hurting Chan. He was hurting him just by breathing. Chan deserved so much better, but instead he was stuck with Woojin and his fucked up mind and his fucked up addictions and his fucked up everything.

Everyone would be better off without him-

Woojin froze.

It had been a while since he had a thought like that. He forgot how much it hurt to think that was, but at the same time it hurt so good. It made his whole chest burn, like there were thousands of red hot needles stabbing him all at once.

Maybe they would be better off without him. Nine was such an ugly number, though Chan could easily find someone to replace him. He was just a vocalist, and not even a good one at that. They’d mourn, sure, but they’d get over it. They’d be sad for a little while, and then they’d move on with their lives and they’ll all be better off for it.

He could do it… He still had the pills under his bed. One bottle wouldn’t do much, but three? He could do everyone one last favor. One last gift to his members.

He showered and dried off, not bothering to bandage his leg before slipping on his sweatpants. He left his towel on the ground, balled up in the corner. Someone would find it later, after Woojin was gone. He wanted it to be quick and painless, but there was something he needed to do first.

Chan shouldn’t mourn him. Of all people, Chan should despise Woojin. He couldn’t go knowing the blonde was going to miss him. He didn’t deserve that - especially from Chan of all people. He made his way to the kitchen, where Chan was sitting on his own, nursing a cup of tea between both hands. He looked exhausted, and Woojin felt a stab of regret for a moment. He was about to make things worse, but in the end it’ll be for the best.

“Wooj?” Chan looked up, his eyes widening in shock. He looked away quickly, and Woojin felt his stomach drop.

“I have to tell you something.”

“Look, about what happened today, I get it-”  
“No seriously, it’s not good-”

“And I understand that relapsing is scary but don’t have to do it alone-”

“I cheated on you.”

Chan stopped talking, the faint smile that had started forming on his face dropping instantly. He stared at Woojin, his face paling.

“What?”

“I said, I cheated on you,” Woojin tried to keep his voice as cold as possible, but he could hear how close he was to tears. “I think it’s best if we break up.”

“You… what?” Chan laughed lightly, too confused to know how to feel.

“The day you brought me back from practice and fucked me? It wasn’t enough so I found Minho and had him fuck me better.” Woojin could see the exact moment Chan’s heart broke. It was written clearly on the blonde’s face, tears instantly rolling down his cheeks.

“Why-”

“Because you weren’t enough,” Woojin lied, the words bitter on his tongue. “Anyway, we’re done.” He turned to walk away, and Chan didn’t call after him. Didn’t try to stop him.

Woojin cried silently as he made his way to his bedroom. It was almost one in the morning, so everyone was already fast asleep other than himself and Chan. He had a water bottle on the table next to his bed. He hoped it would be enough.

He quietly pulled out the bottles that were hidden under his bed. The light sounds of the pills rattling wasn’t enough to wake anyone up. He undid the lids of all three bottles and poured them out onto the blanket. The pills were so, so small. It was hard to believe that something so small could do something so deadly, but who was Woojin to complain?

Woojin hesitated. He should leave a note, shouldn’t he? He sighed and typed one up on his phone. It was short, and kind of apathetic, but that’s just how he felt. He plugged his phone in and left it unlocked on his night stand, so it would be the first thing anyone saw.

He started throwing back the pills, swallowing handful after handful. He started feeling sick before he finished even half the pile, but he knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. He forced himself to keep going, the tears dripping into his cupped palm causing the pills to become slimy. His stomach lurched and he had to slap a hand over his mouth to keep from throwing everything up. He wanted it to be over already…

He gave up with a quarter of a bottle left. He let himself fall back on his bed, not caring that some of the pills spilled from his blanket onto the floor. His eyes felt heavy, but his stomach kept rolling dangerously. If he threw up then, everything up to that point would be pointless. He covered his eyes with his arm and closed his eyes, letting himself drift off one last time.

* * *

  
_“Something isn’t right.” Jisung said softly. They were on stage, but the music wasn’t playing. He looked around, wondering why no one was doing anything. His members were frozen in time, halfway through the move, their faces twisted and frozen mid note._

_Jisung was the only one who could move it seemed. Even the crowd was frozen in time, their faces bright with excitement. There was a scuffle behind him. Jisung turned around, his stomach dropping._

_The other seven members hadn’t moved, but Woojin had collapsed onto the stage. Jisung tried to scream but no sound came out as he ran to the eldest. He tried to scoop Woojin into his arms, but his hands went right through him. The vocalist rolled over, and Jisung thought he was going to throw up._

_Woojin’s face was pale, his eyes blank. His arms were sliced beyond recognition, the once tanned skin looking more like chopped meat than arm, his blood quickly leaking onto the stage and painting the ground red. Jisung tried to wake Woojin up, but all he did was get the older boy’s head to fall to the side. Jisung saw a rope tied tightly around Woojin’s neck, the fibers covered in blood and the skin of his throat stained with deep bruises._

_“Hyung!” Jisung screamed, but there was no answer. His cry echoed through the silent stadium. Woojin curled in on himself, his breathing stopping completely. Jisung felt Woojin’s heart beat one last time before going still entirely._

_“NOOOO-”_

Jisung sat up in his bed. He sobbed, trying to fight back the urge to throw up on his lap again. The feeling of Woojin’s heart stopping against his hand felt so real that the rapper thought he would be able to feel it for the rest of his life.

He blinked and looked around. He was alone in his room again. It was happening more and more, but he was okay with it. Ever since Chan hyung had started helping him with the sleeping medication, he had been sleeping better. Only one or two nightmares since their three day weekend together but this? This was something different.

He stumbled out of bed, hoping a glass of water would help calm his racing heart. He made his way to the kitchen, not expecting anyone to be awake seeing how it was almost - he checked his phone - 1:11 in the morning. He almost had a heart attack when he realized Chan was sitting at the table, sobbing into his arms.

“Hyung?” Jisung whispered, his own voice cracking.

“What?” Chan looked up, quickly wiping his face. “Jisung? What are you doing up? Are you- are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“I could ask you the same thing hyung,” Jisung sniffled. He could barely remember what his dream was about anymore. “You alright?”

“Um… no, actually,” Chan chuckled humorlessly and tugged on his bangs. “Woojin broke up with me… said he cheated on me because I wasn’t g-good enough for him and-”

“Woojin hyung?” Jisung interrupted, his stomach dropping.

“I just… I don’t understand-”

“Shit-” Jisung suddenly remembered his dream. He scrambled back to the bedrooms, slipping but not letting himself slow down. He threw open the door to Woojin’s room and turned on the lights, not listening when the others woke up and complained. He collapsed next to Woojin’s bed and screamed.

Chan ran in a second later, almost throwing up at what he saw. Woojin, his blanket covered in pills, his face pale, his breathing shallow. Jisung was trying to wake him up but it wasn’t working.

It all made sense. Woojin suddenly breaking up with him, saying he cheated. Chan was only focusing on how the other’s words hurt him - as if the words had been explicitly crafted to hurt him in the deepest way possible.

Because they were. Woojin said it specifically to hurt him, so he wouldn’t be upset that he tried to kill himself.

Chan’s knees gave out.

Woojin tried to kill himself.

“Hyung move!” Changbin pushed past Chan and forced Woojin to sit up. The eldest’s eyes fluttered but he didn’t open them. “I need a wet washcloth and some water. Someone run a bath. Someone else look up the effects of ODing on this medication. I need to know what the symptoms are.”

Changbin didn’t even wait for the others to do as he said before shoving his fingers down Woojin’s throat and forcing him to throw up. Woojin’s whole body convulsed, a mixture of bile, water and dissolved pills splashing thickly onto his lap, as if his body was eager to get rid of the chemical concoction brewing in his stomach.

“Thank god, they didn’t dissolve all that much,” Changbin shoved his fingers in again. He saw the three empty bottle, and while some handn’t been taking and a good amount were just thrown up, there were definitely still some in his stomach. “Where’s the stuff I need?”

“Overdose symptoms are dizziness, nausea, fatigue and possible liver failure. Chances of dying from an overdose are low but it’s still dangerous if taken in large quantities.” Seungmin read shakily from his phone. Jisung rushed in with a bottle of water and a wet hand towel.

“Everyone get out,” Changbin ordered. Woojin gagged around his fingers again but this time nothing came up. “Don’t crowd him.”

He wiped his fingers on a dry spot on the blanket, not caring about making a mess because they were going to throw the blanket out anyway. He used the wet washcloth to pat the sweat from Woojn’s face, the older boy’s eyes finally fluttering open.

“What-?” He asked, his voice rough and painful sounding.

“Don’t try to talk hyung, drink this water.” Changbin cut him off, holding the mouth of the bottle to Woojin’s lips. Woojin sipped gently, his whole body shaking. He got halfway through the water bottle before he started sobbing. He covered his face, his entire body trembling in a way that made Changbin worry Woojin was going to hurt himself.

“Bin-”

“Come on hyung, let’s get in the bath,” Changbin said softly, helping Woojin stand. “The warm water will make you feel better.”

Woojin let Changbin lead him from the room, shuffling like a zombie. He only reacted when he made eye contact with Chan, who was still standing frozen in the doorway. Woojin almost collapsed, if it weren’t for Changbin holding him up he would have hit the ground hard. He tried to scramble away from Chan, but the was being held in place.

“It’s alright love,” Chan smiled sadly. “You’re going to be okay. You’re not alone.”

“I’m so sorry Chris…” Woojin sobbed, trying to cover his face.

“Not now hyung,” Changbin said, pushing past Chan. “He needs to calm down before we can do anything.”

“You know a lot about this…” Chan said, watching Changbin’s back as the younger boy froze.

“You get used to it when your childhood friend has seven attempts under his belt.” He said, not turning around. Chan paled. He had no idea that Changbin had to do this for his friend before - several times before.

Chan sat outside the bathroom, listening to Changbin comfort Woojin. Listening to him comfort Chan’s boyfriend- ex boyfriend.Jeongin walked out shaking. Chan heard him say something about a blade and a bloody towel to Hyunjin, who just held the youngest boy tightly. They were both crying.

“Hyung, I found his phone…” Felix came over, handing Chan the device. The note was still open on the screen, and Chan knew what it was instantly.

“I know you probably won’t be able to, but try to go back to sleep Lixie,” Chan said, feeling more exhausted than he ever had in his entire life. “Tomorrow is going to be fucking awful, so try to rest up now.”

“I’ll nap here.” Felix said softly, sitting next to Chan. He rested his head on the elder's shoulder, mumbling comforts when Chan started crying again.

 

_I’m sorry everyone. I tried to get better, I really did. I’m so proud of everyone for their progress, and I’m so fucking sorry. All I ever did was drag you down. You’ve been working so hard to get better and I did nothing but make it harder for you. I’ve been so tired recently. Nothing made me feel anything anymore. I needed to hurt…_

_Chan, I’m sorry for what I did. I never meant to hurt anyone, but that’s all I seem to do. You’ll all be better off without me. Stray Kids never needed me in the first place, and you can replace me with someone better and then you’ll be able to do all the amazing things you couldn’t with me around._

_I love you all so much. Please never doubt that I love you. I’m just so tired. I think it’s okay. It’s finally time for me to sleep. Thank you for loving me. Please don’t hate me. I don’t think I could stand having you hate me…._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally so out of it that I don't even remember writing half of this chapter but here we are! One more chapter to go - the final chapter is going to show the aftermath/next morning and then a happy ending because I refuse to write a fic like this and not give everyone a happy ending.
> 
> I want to write something a little more lighthearted, so the first part of this new two chapter fic I'm planning will probably be posted before the final chapter of this one, just to shake things up a little XD


	10. Chapter 10

Woojin let Changbin gently strip him, his face not changing as the younger had to peel his sweatpants away from the clotting cuts on his thigh. His face didn’t change when Changbin started to cry as the younger helped him into the bath and poured warm water over his sweaty bangs. His face didn’t change when he heard heartbroken sobs from right outside of the bathroom. He just stared straight ahead, silent tears running down his pale cheeks.

“Hyung…” Changbin trailed off, his cheeks blotchy and red from crying.

“Why did you do that?” Woojin asked, his voice sounding nothing like it used to. It was rough and weak. There was no life behind it.

“Do what?” Changbin wouldn’t look at him as he continued to pour the hot water over Woojin’s shoulders. The heat felt nice - gave him something to ground himself.

“Make me throw up.”

“Because you did something fucking stupid.”

“You should have left me.”

“That wouldn’t have killed you, you know. You would have slept for way too long and possibly have extreme liver failure but you wouldn’t have died.”

That made Woojin react. He flinched, tears sliding down his cheeks faster and faster. In a heartbeat, the silent tears turned into sobs. He doubled over, his nose almost touching the bath water as his body shook with his cries. Changbin tried to make him sit up, but Woojin couldn’t feel the younger boy’s hands on his hot skin.

“Wooj, come back to me,” A familiar voice said. Warm hands were on his cheeks, Woojin tried to pull away but the hands were firm. “Baby please, come back to me.”

“Chris?” Woojin looked up, locking eyes with Chan. The blonde was crying, his eyes red and wide. His lips were trembling despite the comforting smile he was trying to give.

“You’re going to be alright baby, just focus on me.” Chan said gently, cupping Woojin’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry,” Woojin sobbed, his tears soaking Chan’s hand. “Oh god I’m so fucking sorry. All I ever do is fuck everything up and hurt everyone I love and ruin everyone and-”

Chan cut him off with a gentle press of his lips against Woojin’s. Woojin wanted to pull away, but he was too tired and Chan’s kiss was too gentle.

“Don’t say mean things about my boyfriend,” Chan whispered with a faint smile. “I love him very much, and you’re not allowed to be mean to him.”

“Chris…”

“We’ll talk about everything when you’re feeling up to it, okay? Unfortunately, Changbin said you’re not allowed to sleep for a while just in case but I can make some breakfast and we can eat in the living room.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay love, just focus on feeling better.” Chan smiled and kissed Woojin’s cheek and stood, trying to keep the shaking in his legs from being obvious.

“I’ll stay here with him until he’s ready to get out.” Changbin said softly, looking exhausted.

“Take care of him for me.” Chan smiled at his friend before slipping out of the bathroom. His smile dropped as he sobbed, only barely managing to cover his mouth before the sound escaped.

“Is Woojin hyung going to be okay?” a voice asked, causing Chan to jump. He turned to see Minho, his arms wrapped tightly around his torso as if he was trying to hold himself together. As if he was breaking apart.

“I think so,” Chan sighed. “Changbin managed to get him to throw up most of the pills and he’s talking, which means he’s conscious and able to understand what I was saying. Changbin is staying with him for now.”

“Hyung, I n-need to tell you something-”

“You fucked him.” Chan said quickly, too tired to make his words have an edge. As much as he could rationalize it, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

“I can explain!” Minho looked close to tears.

“Actually, please do,” Chan offered a sad smile. “I mean, I think I know? I wasn’t enough for him and- and he needed more to… to what? Fight off the urges I guess? I just…”

“He wanted me to hurt him,” Minho whispered, holding himself tighter. “He said he wanted me to make him feel something. I shouldn’t have, because I knew it was different than when I went to you, but he looked so close to breaking and I wanted to help him because he’s always helping me and afterwards he said he felt better and that I helped him get his thoughts back together and… I should have known something was wrong when he just left after. He’s the one that taught me how important after care and everything was, and he just left after I said these… awful things to him…”

“It’s alright Minnie,” Chan pulled Minho into a hug. His chest hurt, not because of what Woojin and Minho did, but because of how much pain his friends were still in. He was a blind idiot for thinking they were getting better “It’s not your fault. He was hurting and you just wanted to help.”

“I ruined everything,” Minho started sobbing into Chan’s shoulder. He unwound his arms from around himself and gripping his leader’s shirt hard. “I’m so sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to ruin everything but now- now Woojin hyung tried to kill himself because of me and-”

“Minho, stop,” Chan pulled Minho away, placing his hands on the younger’s shoulders to make sure he couldn’t pull away. “This is NOT your fault. You were just doing what you thought you needed to in order to help Woojin, and I’m proud of you for that. It’s so hard to put others first and take care of our friends, and you took care of Woojin when he needed you. But you can’t blame yourself, understand? What Woojin did… I don’t think any of us will completely understand why he did what he did, but I do know it was because of a lot of things. You just tried to help him. This is not your fault, Lee Minho. Do you understand me?”

“It might not have been my fault, but I know him,” Tears kept dripping onto Minho’s shirt faster and faster. “In hindsight, it’s obvious what he was trying to do. If I could have seen it then, I never would have- have let him do that to himself… It might not have been my fault completely, but I pushed him over the edge.”

“That’s not-”

“He told you he cheated on you, didn’t he?” Minho barked out a humorless laugh. “I guess I was the other guy again, huh?”

“Minho-”

“It wouldn’t be the first time I was the ‘other guy’ and ruined a relationship… please don’t hate him,” His face twisted from devastated to determined. Minho looked Chan in the eye for the first time since Woojin was found. “Hate me if you want but please give him another chance. This was all my fault, and I- I accept the consequences.”

Minho bowed at the waist, closing his eyes tightly. He wasn’t sure what Chan was going to do. If he hit him, it wouldn’t even begin to cover what Minho deserved. Chan and Woojin loved each other so much, and he had ruined them because he was a filthy slut-

“Come here Minnie.” Chan whispered, pulling Minho up from his bow and into his chest in a tight hug. Minho stared over the older boy’s shoulder in shock before bawling again. He hugged Chan back, as tight as he could.

Chan wasn’t mad at him. Chan forgave him. Chan didn’t hate him.

“I’m so sorry hyung.” Minho cried.

“It’s alright Minho,” Chan whispered as he rubbed his friend’s back. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“Chris?” A soft voice called over. Chan instantly looked up, his arms around Minho loosening as he made eye contact with Woojin. Changbin was trailing close behind, looking tired. Woojin was wearing patterned sleep pants and one of Chan’s oversized sweaters. As soon as Chan looked at him, his whole face twisted, making him look younger than even Jeongin. Chan had never seen Woojin look so vulnerable before.

“Woojin-” Chan raced over to the other boy and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck, savoring the sound of his heart beat and the feeling of his breath on his skin because it all meant that Woojin was alive.

He was alive.

“Thank you.” Chan whispered, his tears soaking into Woojin’s sweater.

“For what?”

“For staying.”

“I-” Woojin choked up, unable to bring himself to touch Chan. He was bad for Chan.

“It’s alright,” Chan pulled back and smiled, his eyes swollen but smiling. “We’re going to be alright.”

“I’m so sorry.” Woojin whispered finally, hands reaching up to twist into Chan’s shirt.

“You don’t have to be sorry love,” Chan kissed his forehead. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I’m just so grateful you’re okay.”

“Well, he’s not okay yet,” Changbin chimed in, his scowl softening a little. “We have to make sure he doesn’t fall asleep at least until tonight, and someone has to keep an eye on him at all times. What we really should do is tell manager hyung and get Woojin hyung professional help, but he’s an adult and we can’t force him to do anything no matter how much it could help.”

“Do you really think it would help?” Woojin asked, not turning around to look at the younger.

“Absolutely. They can get you therapy and medication to help stabilize what’s going on inside your head.”

“Maybe I should tell someone…” Woojin hid his face in Chan’s neck. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to be better. I don’t want to want to hurt myself and I don’t want to feel like a burden. I want to be able to accept your love properly for once in my fucking life.”

“If that’s what you want to do, I’ll support you,” Chan hummed, refusing to let Woojin go for even a moment. “We can call manager hyung in a little bit. He’s still asleep now but when he wakes up he can come over and we’ll explain everything.”

“We?”

“You’re not alone Wooj,” Chan kissed him gently. “You’re never alone.”

* * *

  
“Baby? Can you hear me?” Chan whispered, but his words were drowned out by the sound of Woojin’s breathing.

Chan had woken up alone in his bed, which wasn’t normally a worrying thing. Sometimes Woojin got up to use the bathroom or to get some water, so waking up alone was normally no big deal.

But when ten minutes passed and Woojin still wasn’t back, Chan started to worry. He slipped from his bed silently, not waking anyone up, and made his way out of the room.

The dorm was silent, save for the sound of running water.

The bathroom.

Chan’s stomach dropped. Time seemed to slow as he raced towards the bathroom. Woojin had only been home a month. He had only gone to therapy twice since being released. How could Chan have been so stupid? How could he have let Woojin be alone like this? How would he ever forgive himself if Woojin-

He turned the knob, his fingers shaking as it opened without a sound. He opened the door, almost expecting to see… to see something that would haunt him more than Woojin’s lifeless face already did.

Instead, he saw Woojin curled in the corner, sobbing into his knees, fully clothed, as the shower ran in the background. Chan collapsed next to him, pulling the other boy into his lap.

“Chan?”

“I’m here love.”

“It’s so loud.”

“What are?”

“The voice in my head…. It won’t shut the fuck up…” Before Chan could ask what the voice was saying, Woojin started to breath faster. Chan began to panic, because the harder Woojin gasped, the closer to hyperventilating he got.

“Baby?” Chan cupped Wooijn’s face but the boy’s eyes were unfocused. “Can you hear me?”

“Chris-”

“It’s alright Wooj, I’m here.”

“This fucking sucks.” His voice was choked up, but at least his breathing was starting to calm down.

“I know love, but you’re doing so amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re proud of me?”

“I’m so fucking proud of you Woojin. You’ve been working so hard and I’m so proud of you that my chest feels light and my face hurts from smiling and I want to do everything to make you happy.”

“I’m sorry you have to keep dealing with me.” Woojin mumbled, hiding his face in Chan’s shoulder.

“I love you Woojin. I’d do anything for you no matter what. There’s no dealing with anything. I’m not just dealing with you. You’re not a bother, or a pain, or a regret. I could never regret loving you, ever.”

“I love you so much.” Woojin sniffed, his arms wrapping limply around Chan’s waist awkwardly because of how they were sitting on the bathroom floor.

“Let’s turn off the shower and go back to bed,” Chan suggested softly. “We can talk in the morning if you want, but you look exhausted.”

“Yes please.”

“Come on baby, let’s go back to bed.”

* * *

 

“Do you think JYP will approve of this one?” Woojin asked, worrying his bottom lip.

“I mean, he can’t really say no.” Chan took his hand as he saved the file. They had been working together on a song for their next album, and it was a little different than the others. Most of their songs were almost vague, more hinting at their struggles rather than outright saying them. This one, however, was very blunt. Woojin poured his heart and soul into the lyrics while Chan helped channel his emotions through the music.

It was a risk, but it was one they were willing to take. Woojin had been released from his inpatient treatment about seven months prior, and one of the biggest things that helped him after leaving the facility was writing song lyrics.

Chan was determined to get one of Woojin’s songs approved. He was determined to show the world how strong and wonderful Woojin was. Determined to make the world see Woojin the way he did.

“What if Stays think it’s too… much?” Woojin fiddled with the ripped fabric of the office chair he was sitting in.

“I think they’ll understand,” Chan said, smiling a little. He read the letters. He knew their fans would understand and be able to relate in some aspect, and maybe will be able to find some comfort in the song as well. “Besides, this is a good way to explain what happened without really confirming or denying anything. You know how they’ve tried to keep it hush hush.”

That morning - the morning everything had gone so wrong - their manager had come over as soon as he got Chan’s text. He sent everyone out to practice except for Minho and Changbin, who he wanted there to fill in the gaps of their explanation. It had taken almost two hours to say everything, and before the younger members got back to the dorm, Woojin had packed and left.

He stayed for almost a month, the others only able to see him once a week on visitation days. Thankfully, Chan was given the family code so he was able to call as much as he was able to, which ended up being every other day due to practices. The day Woojin came home, Chan thought he was going to explode from how happy he was.

“How are you feeling Wooj?” Chan asked as they walked to the elevator.

“Yellow…” Woojin muttered, hands in his pockets and eyes trained on his feet. His therapist told him the color system could be used in things other than sex, and he isntantly told Chan - who was his biggest support through everything.

“Want to get some ramen before we go back to the dorm?” Chan offered, knowing yellow meant Woojin was feeling off but didn’t know why. If he didn’t take care of the yellow times, they spiraled into red.

Red were the times Chan found Woojin sobbing in the bathroom at two in the morning, bruises forming on his arms where he scratched the skin too hard. That had only happened three times since Woojin had gotten home, but Chan would do everything in his power to make sure it never happens again.

“Ramen sounds good.” Woojin smiled faintly, glancing briefly over to Chan, which the smaller boy took as a good sign. A Woojin that was willing to look at him - no matter for how long - was a Woojin willing to lean towards green. When he refused to look at Chan, his boyfriend knew he was leaning towards red.

They walked in a comfortable silence to their favorite ramen shop. Chan wanted nothing more than to reach over and take Woojin’s hand, but they were in public. In the dorm, they were free to be as touchy as they wanted but out on the streets they had to be careful.

They sat in their usual spot and waited for their ramen to cook, chatting about easy topics like weather and choreography until Woojin changed the subject.

“The others… how are they doing?” He asked carefully, surprising Chan.

“They’re fine,” He said, confused. “You just saw them this morning.”

“I know, I just worry that…” He played with the wooden chopsticks. “Since everyone is focusing on helping me, I’m worried that they’re pushing their own problems aside again. I haven’t really heard anything about anyone since I came home.”

“Oh, you meant like that,” Chan sighed before offering Woojin a smile. “They’re doing better. Honestly, they are. Hyunjin is getting better at reasoning with his fears, and Seungmin started writing out his thoughts. He writes them out, then lets us write why they’re wrong. He keeps a log of them and everything. Jisung’s been sleeping better, and I’ve been trying to wean him off the sleeping medication. I don’t want him to rely completely on drugs to sleep, and so far it’s been working. As far as I know, he’s only had a handful of nightmares since he came to us. Jeongin’s scars are fading nicely. You can barely see them anymore. Binnie’s getting better at coming to us when he’s feeling manic or depressed. I can tell it’s hard for him to do it and I make a point to tell him how proud I am. Minho’s been going to the others too, not just me or Jisung anymore, and I think it’s been making a huge difference in his self esteem. Felix has been resting more, which I’m glad to see.”

“What about you?” Woojin asked, the worry lines on his forehead fading as Chan spoke.

“Me? Ah, I think I’ve been doing pretty well!” He said, his smile growing which only made Woojin’s smile grow too. “I’ve been eating pretty well, and I focus more on healthy muscle gain instead of the obsessive kind I was before. Binnie and Sungie have been going with me, and it’s nice to have company. You know, if you wanted to come too, you’re more than welcome. It’s been a while, and I can tell you’re getting restless.”

“Am I allowed?” Woojin asked, remembering the gym ban he was placed under when his therapist realised he used working out as a form of self harm. He still kept in shape through dancing, but it wasn’t the same.

“I can talk to manager hyung, and you can talk to your therapist. If she sees you genuinely want to work out, and we can guarantee that we won’t let you overwork, I don’t see why she’d say no.”

“That sounds nice,” Woojin smiled as they worker called over to them that their ramen was done. “It’s been a while.”

“Eat up and we can call the manager when we get back to the dorms.” Chan nodded to Woojin’s cup of ramen with his chopsticks. Both boys eagerly dug into their meal, though Woojin took the time to admire Chan eating. It was something that he hadn’t seen for years, so now that Chan was finally taking care of himself, Woojin was going to make sure to remember every small moment with the other.

“We should probably get back soon,” Woojin said after their ramen was long gone. “It’s been two hours already.”

“Ugh, I GUESS,” Chan pouted but stood anyway. “It’s not like I wanted to spend more time on my date with my boyfriend or anything.”

“We can sneak out and get ice cream later if you want.” Woojin blushed. They had been dating for almost ten months at this point, minus the hour between Woojin breaking up with Chan and Woojin apologizing that night.

Ten months and Woojin still felt butterflies in his stomach whenever Chan was sappy or cheesy. Ten months or ten years, Woojin didn’t think he’d ever get used to Chan’s love and Chan’s affections.

Chan was just so perfect.

Perfect for him.

“I’ll hold you to that,” Chan grinned wide, and Woojin’s heart jumped. “We have to be careful this time though. Last time Jisung woke up and wouldn’t let us go without him.”

“We’ll be extra quiet this time.” Woojin promised with a whisper. He looked around quickly before softly kissing Chan.

Chan blushed and slyly took Woojin’s hand, holding it tightly all the way home.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that the end! It usually doesn't take me this long to write a fic like this, but my emotions have been all over the place. I'm really proud of this one. I know I say that about every fic I write, but I am! I feel like I'm getting better at portraying emotions and showing recovery more realistically.
> 
> On a lighter note, I'm going to pride tomorrow with my sister and her friend! I'm super excited but also a little nervous because I've never driven into the city alone before, and this is the first time I'm going to a pride event! If anyone else is going to a pride event, wear sunscreen, stay hydrated and have fun!
> 
> I always feel like I should write more on the ANs of the final chapter but when it actually comes around I never know what to say. Thank you everyone for reading and supporting this story. You have no idea what it means to me to know you like my writing, and I've actually started to recognize more usernames from the comments! I always get so excited when I see a name I know in my notifications haha

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially going to be a oneshot, but now I'm thinking it'll be three or four chapters. Not super long, but with more to look forward to haha


End file.
